Tears Too Late
by WhitmanFrostFiend
Summary: [post 4x11] Robin's move to New York with Marian and his rejection of his soul mate caused Regina physical harm. When Robin visits Gold in the hospital, he runs across Regina. Is he too late to save her?
1. Tears Forthcoming

_This alteration-to-canon fic idea came to me in a flash one day. The premise is pretty much depression city. I apologize in advance, especially in light of the travesty that is Sean Maguire's exit from the show. This is a WARNING – MAJOR tragedy ahead and a somewhat callous Robin who moved on from Regina to Marian while in NYC._

 _DISCLAIMER: I do not own Once Upon a Time. I wrote this story solely for entertainment purposes. I have asserted creative license and made some alterations to the timeline of canon events and minor details._

 _Much thanks to all the lovely readers who have already read or commented on my other fics! For first time readers, try my other stories as well – even if this one isn't your cup of tea, my other projects are all about the love and adventures of our favorite OQ pair! PLEASE review – I cannot tell you how much your feedback makes my day! Now fasten your seatbelts, and enjoy the ride!_

* * *

Chapter 1: Tears Forthcoming

* * *

Robin whistled as he went down the street. The sky was bluer. The grass was greener. The birds were singing. The sun shone brighter.

In reality, he was walking down a grimy New York sidewalk. The air was thick with pollution and second-hand smoke. As per usual, the city was bustling with hurried businessman, venders and tourists. Each mundane detail about the unkind city escaped his notice that day because he was so happy.

His mind drifted to the night before.

* * *

 _.:._

 _.:._

 _Robin arrived home from his telemarketer job. He had no patience for the work but had to do something to keep his wife and son fed. On the inside, the former outlaw seethed with frustration at the rude, impatient callers he had to deal with day after day. The man's external disposition, however, told a different story. Robin lived by his code, which required him to leave his burdens of the day at the door and be the best father and husband he could be when he was around his family._

 _When the tired man came into the small urban apartment, he was met with the surprise of his life. A gigantic 'Welcome Home, Daddy' banner was hanging across one wall. Balloons littered the floor. The table was set with a new fine linen tablecloth, delicate china, and dripping candles._

 _"SURPRISE!"_

 _Roland burst from the kitchen with the energy of a tornado and barreled into his father's legs. Behind her son, Marian came following with less enthusiasm but with matching joy, her face glowing._

 _"What's the occasion?" Robin was in awe of his small family. Gone were the worries he had held just moments ago. In their place, Robin was filled to the brim with love and life. His family gave him everything he needed._

 _"Papa," Roland whined, "I told you it's a surprise!"_

 _Robin chuckled and then turned to Marian for the answer._

 _"Robin, stop with that teasing grin. You've always been so curious and thought you could employ your roguish charms in order to get your way. Tonight, you will just have to wait. Now sit down and enjoy while I finish dinner!"_

 _Marian began walking off toward the kitchen to take the chicken out of the oven, but her persistent husband came up from behind and wrapped her in his embrace._

 _"You must know, wife, that I always enjoy my time when I am home with my beautiful wife and son."_

 _It still felt odd to Robin to call his Marian 'wife' or even to speak to her at all. For decades, she had been gone. For years, he had mourned the loss of her – his wife and Roland's mother. Marian had been the sun in his life; her smile lit up his whole life and made him feel blessed and happy every waking hour. When she died, he felt dead. But Roland... That boy was the reason. Roland had been the baby that almost never was. Marian had undergone a very trying and risky pregnancy to bring Roland into the world. Once their precious baby boy was born, the Hoods counted every day special that they were allowed to be parents. So when Marian no longer lived, Robin forced himself to keep going. He had to be strong for Roland. He could not let his son, who needed his father, to go without a father since the young lad would forever be motherless. At first, getting up every day, eating, and even speaking to anyone had been a chore. Slowly but surely, Robin remembered how to live. He gradually began to embrace being a father and once again leading the Merry Men. His love for Marian never diminished and his pain at her loss never ended, but Roland and each new day added color back to his life._

 _And then, many years later, there was Regina. In the Enchanted Forest… In Storybrooke after the Missing Year… It didn't really matter when they met. It was electric. It was magical. It was destiny. Everyone could see the sparks fly between the duo when they were together sniping at one another. Their barbs and duels of wit in the Enchanted Forest were the talk of the Merry Men and gang of 'heroes'. Of course, Snow, being the eternal optimist, constantly hinted to Regina that all of the sharp but flirtatious banter with the archer could be something more. Regina always denied her growing feelings, but Robin knew that one day would come when she would be forced to acknowledge their mutual feelings. They could be great together. And they were – for a time. Until Marian returned from the dead._

 _The past. Regina had once told him that it's a saying in this world – leave the past in the past. Let sleeping dogs lie. One out of just many flawless days with her, the new couple had agreed to start over. To be the new beginning for each other in life that they had never been afforded before._

 _Robin almost smiled at his quick journey down memory lane, but then the haze faded. He was back in the apartment in New York – away from her. He was with his wife. It wasn't fair to be thinking about his life with Regina in Storybrooke. After all, he had recently promised his wife that he was choosing her. Robin chose Marian – his present, his reality, his family. Being a man of his word, Robin had accepted Marian back into his heart and his bed. He hadn't even thought of Regina that often since the first night he had made the final decision to let go of the past (once again, and this time, letting go of Regina instead of moving on with her). That was the night he truly reconnected with his wife. That was when he did the right thing._

 _And he had been happy ever since – at least, that's what he told himself. He ignored how uncomfortable he had felt his first night back in Marian's arms, wishing it was Regina. He ignored the odd remarks Marian made that were so unlike her and her forgetfulness of their past together. He would not allow himself to dwell on how much he ached inside when he went to the supermarket and bought apples or when Roland begged to ride a horse in Central Park. Everywhere he looked he saw Regina. It was too much! Each and every time his heart twinged, he redirected his mind to focus on his Marian._

 _Reminded again of his wife, Robin scrubbed his mind of all turmoil and focused on the woman before him. He caressed her softly, moving his hands gently up and down her sides. Leaning into her back, he tenderly kissed her neck._

 _Marian hummed in contentment. "Now, as much as I love kissing you…"_

 _Robin peppered her neck with kisses and then turned her toward him for an explosively passionate kiss on the lips._

 _Marian relaxed into her husband's arms. She rested one hand on Robin's shoulder and carded the other through his thick mane of hair._

 _"Robin! I do enjoy this very much, but I must make sure the chicken does not burn!" Marian giggled in a girlish manner and attempted to pull away._

 _Her sneaky husband stopped her. "Let the chicken burn!" And with that, Robin twirled Marian around and pulled her down into his lap on the sofa._

 _After another heated kiss, the married couple broke for air. Robin rested his forehead against Marian's, their noses nuzzling._ This was always what Regina and I did. No, this is what Marian and I do.

 _"Do you just how much I love you, Robin of Locksley?" Marian lifted her face to show Robin her effervescent, beaming smile._

 _"I think so, milady. Just as much as your husband loves you." Robin gave her a peck._

 _Marian halted his renewed efforts at affection. She pushed at his shoulders firmly but lightly._

 _"No, Robin. I know you've been elsewhere. You were in the land of the living. I was dead. You were with the Evil Queen for a while. I may not like it, but I do understand it – to a certain extent. But I am so glad you chose a life with me. Years ago, we made vows that meant something. They still mean everything to me. I am so blessed to have you in Roland in my life again. You are my second chance."_

 _Again, Robin was hit with a flood of sorrow in his heart. His chest pounded with pain over Regina. He had pledged HER a second chance together. But that was just not to be._

 _"I am so glad, milady. I know I gave you reason to doubt me. I did become close to Regina, but I am with you now. I never stopped loving you. We are husband and wife. We are family."_

 _This time, Marian went in for the kiss. She grasped him tightly, pulled him back toward her, and dove in. Never before had Marian been so sloppy with her kisses and so enthusiastic. Robin had noticed Marian to be a bit more wanton in the last couple of weeks than she had ever been in the Forest, but he chalked that up to new vigor that accompanied reclaiming her life. As it was, Marian plunged her tongue into her husband's mouth and dueled his with much ferocity._

 _"Whoa, milady! I must say, that was quite a kiss! I am not complaining, but what is the cause of this?" Robin smiled expectantly and then looked around him. "And what of ALL of this?"_

 _"I am so glad we are a family! I had wanted to wait until after dinner, but I do not think I can manage the tedium. I love you! I love Roland! I love our family! I have a new life with the most important people in my life. I could not have asked for more. But more, we have been given."_

 _"What do you mean?" Robin was becoming more anxious by the minute. What did Marian mean? But surely, it must be good by the looks of her ecstatic expression._

 _"Robin, we are going to have another child!"_

 _"Marian, are you certain?"_

 _Robin looked to his wife for confirmation. When she nodded, he whooped with joy. He stood up and spun his thin wife in the air and started making his way across the room._

 _"Robin, I am so happy you are excited for this baby!"_

 _"How could I not be?! I am going to be a father again!"_

 _"But wait, what are we doing? And what about the dinner?"_

 _"We are going to celebrate. Roland can have some play time. The dinner can just wait."_

 _Then Robin carried his newly expecting wife over the threshold of their bedroom and kicked the door closed._

 _.:._

 _.:._

* * *

Back in the present, Robin gleefully strode down the pavement. All was well in the world. He could not wait for his new baby to be born! Nothing – not even that horrid Rumpelstiltskin – could bring him down.

Speaking of the imp, he was _here_. Robin had reached his destination. Above him was the large sign announcing the looming building ahead – Mount Sinai Hospital. The former outlaw didn't relish helping the terrible man. Marian had even selfishly begged him not to intervene. Robin could not believe his wife – how could sweet Marian turn her back on any human being?! Then again, his wife was pregnant and probably worried about being left alone in this strange new land. No matter! Robin would live by his honor regardless of his personal feelings or the risk of being involved with Rumpelstiltskin.

 _Room 508. 508. 508._

Robin had been told that was where he could find the ailing Dark One. He had never been in such a bustling, chaotic place as a modern-day hospital, but thankfully, a kind nurse had helped him. Following her instructions, he had ridden the elevator to the fifth floor. Now all he needed to do was find the right room!

As he walked down the busy hospital hallway, checking room numbers, he peeked into every room he passed. A frail girl with no hair and a teddy bear in her arms. A young man laid-up in bed with an ear-splitting cough. An elderly woman who seemed unresponsive and a white-haired man – whom Robin presumed to be the woman's husband – yelling belligerently at the sheepish doctor. Each one of these patients looked to be in such serious condition. Robin's heart went out to them. _Where do they live? What life did they have before? What bodily condition has robbed them of their lives?_

 _Room 520. 519. 518. 517. 516. 5-_

Robin glanced into room 516, and life stopped. Robin's chest constricted. His breath caught. His head throbbed. He could not think nor move.

There was Regina.

How could it be?! His Regina was in Storybrooke. When he had left, his Regina had been fine. She was not supposed to be here, in New York, in a hospital bed. Yet here she was.

Regina looked as beautiful as ever, or perhaps that was the eternal love in Robin's eyes that told him that. Undeniably, Regina Mills was a gorgeous woman. Her olive complexion, dark, silky hair, piercing eyes, and killer physique made that a given. However, this was _not_ the siren-like woman Robin had left broken-hearted in Storybrooke. Upon closer inspection, the woman who lay in the bed was a stranger. This woman had a ghostly pallor. This woman slumped in a positively un-queenly manner. This woman made no effort to hide her pain or weakness. This woman was decidedly not _his_ Regina.

"Robin?"

She had seen him.

Robin hesitantly stepped forward. Though Regina had addressed him, her eyes were now diverted to the far wall. Robin took the opportunity to take in his surroundings. The space was shrouded in darkness. The windows were entirely covered, shielding the room's occupant from light and the outside world. Altogether, Robin found the environment to be quite depressing, cold, and lonely.

Looking around further, he found pictures of Henry crammed onto every flat surface. Ranging from a baby to the teenager that he now was, Henry exuded vibrant life of youthfulness and hopefulness, even across the distance of time and space. Robin continued his perusal and found one particular snapshot of Henry and Regina… with Roland and himself.

It was _that_ day. The day the four of them had been a family. The day they had all been blissfully happy, without a care in the world. The day Marian had come back from the past. Then there was no more Regina, no more second chance. But oh! What a day that had been! Robin had awakened at dawn, only to find Regina at his side prodding him playfully. She was already dressed and ready for a morning walk in the woods. He groggily insisted on being allowed more sleep, and Regina fell back into bed with him. When she finally convinced him to arise for the day, they trekked hand-in-hand to _their_ log for a picnic. Laughter and declarations of new love filtered through the desolate wooded area. After their private time had finished, they went out for ice cream with the boys. Henry and Roland chatted up a storm about this new video game and that new comic book, but the two parents knew that their children's excitement was really about the new familial situation in which they all found themselves. The adults, too, were over the moon.

Robin was snapped out of his reverie with a loud clearing of the throat on Regina's part. The woman of the hour had seen where Robin's gaze lay and had immediately known where his thoughts probably rested. She felt ill at ease. That rapturous, all-too-perfect memory would never again be reality.

"Robin…"

For once in her life, the former queen had no words to say. Second-nature diplomacy and self-confidence of the royal and the politician had long ago fled. The poise that always appeared in her straight spine and upward-tilted head were nowhere to be found. Regina was just a woman.

"Why don't you come in. And please, shut the door." Regina croaked, beckoning her former lover to enter.

Robin did as he was bade, quite willing to close the door for the privacy that would inevitably be needed for this coming delicate discussion. He inched forward, as if reluctant to come within proximity of the once fierce sorceress, and quietly sat in a nearby chair.

After a few long seconds of silence, Regina cut to the chase. "Robin, why are you here?"

"To see Rumpelstiltskin, actually."

"Why? Why is Gold here? And why are you here to see the imp?" Regina's seemingly dilapidated physical state did not encroach upon her ability to shoot someone down with a glare.

"The Dark One was having some heart difficulty caused by his many years of evil deeds. I brought him here and then aided him in obtaining the Elixir of the Wounded Heart. Today, I am returning to check on his recovery." The noble outlaw cringed at his explanation of helping such a vile man, but he knew that if he did not tell Regina everything, she would press him for the truth until doomsday.

"Ever the honorable man! Right, Robin?" The typical dry venom Regina favored hung in the air, but the bite to her words was lacking.

"I imagine you are reacting the same as Marian did," Robin mused. One look at Regina's face told him that was the wrong thing to say.

 _Robin, you bloody fool, you cannot mention your wife to your former lover!_

He hurried on. "The Dark One has done much evil in the past to multitudes of people. But you, Milady, taught me that _anyone_ , regardless of their wrongs and their pasts, should be given the chance to change. I do not know if Rumpelstiltskin will indeed find redemption, but I could not allow him to die if I could prevent his death."

Robin expected a rebuttal, fiery words, sarcasm, or even the rare agreement from his queen. But nothing.

Regina sat in silence. Her dark eyes swirled with things unsaid. Whereas the outlaw could once look into her eyes and read her heart, she was now a blank slate – an utter mystery.

"No one can fault you for your honor, Robin." She spoke quietly in the silent room. Her slow but sure words pierced the still air. "Not even I…in the end."

Robin's breath caught. Once again he was reminded of all that he had forsaken when he had been forced to cross the town line with Marian. He did not pause to accept his conscious choice in rejecting his soul mate when he had slept with Marian and conceived a child with her. In this moment, he only thought of Regina.

"I must live by my honor, if that is all I ever have," Robin announced with a false bravado.

"I know. I know."

The reassurance and resigned peacefulness in Regina's words were not patronizing like they would have been coming from anyone else, but they still deeply disturbed Robin. _His_ Regina would never answer in so few words with such tranquility. It was not a comforting sign of contentment. Regina sounded resigned, like a condemned person. But what was she resigned to?

Robin got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had already begun feeling sick as soon as he saw his former love in this hospital bed. Regina was a harsh reminder of the bright future that had been dangled in front of his face, only to be snatched away. She was the embodiment of his dreams and his desires. She shared his soul, and their hearts had beat as one. Robin was once again reminded of how much of a fool he was to have left his soul mate and second chance. He had left her to cry at the town line over him, and now she was in the hospital. The hospital!

"Regina, why are you here?"

The gravity in his tone was one Regina had never heard before. Robin had been teasing, understanding, regretful, forthright, determined, sad, optimistic, nostalgic, and hopeful. Never had he been so serious.

Regina was shaken to the core. His appearance outside her door was like a penny from heaven or a breath of fresh air, but her thief was approaching deep waters – the likes of which she did not want to tread. She plunged in anyway, hoping that she could avoid the truth.

"I just had a few pains, Robin. Nothing serious. No need to worry."

Robin was definitely not buying it.

"Tell me the truth, Regina. I saw the patients in the rooms nearby, and they all appeared to be severely ill. Don't tell me you are surrounded by serious cases, while you came for a simple checkup."

Robin shot Regina a stern look, which she translated as ' _Don't test me_ '.

"You don't know how hospitals in this land work, _Thief,_ " Regina hissed in protest.

Robin settled momentarily on her use of his nickname but the moved along. He would not be distracted or swayed by her words. He _had_ to uncover the real reason she was here!

"You're right, _Milady_. I don't have full knowledge of how this land works. What I do know is common sense and logic. Logic tells me that if the man in the next room is shouting and crying over his 'unconscious' wife, then she is dying or already dead. That leaves me to suspect that you are in poor condition, and I pray that _you_ are not dying."

Regina was drawn in by Robin's expressive blue eyes. She could get lost in them. They called to her like an oasis called to a person in the desert. Despite how overloaded her senses were, how her mind reeled with memories, how her gut roiled in panic, how her heart urged her to kiss Robin and never let him go… Despite all these things that afflicted Regina, she knew she must stand resolute. The queen may have fallen from grace, but she refused to be conquered – even to _him_ , the man she still loved and would always love.

"Believe me or don't believe me, Robin. It's your choice." Regina sighed tiredly. "It matters not to me whether you think me lying or not. You said you were here to see Mr. Gold. I'll leave you to it, unless you have anything else to say to me."

Regina gazed at her lost soul mate apprehensively. _He must stop asking about me! He must forget me!_ She wrung her hands anxiously, hoping he would just leave. No one knew what she had been through in the recent days of her miserable life, and she intended to keep it that way. Regina quashed her traitorous instincts, which told her to once again lay bare and broken before this man and tell him everything. She would be strong. She would do this the right way, for once in her life.

"Regina, I know there's more you're not telling me. You look different – still as stunning as ever, but different. There's something wrong. But I won't press. I lost the right when I left you. I'm with Marian now, and that's how it should be. I just want you to know that you meant a lot to me. Roland loved you so much! You truly were my second chance. Just know that you can change your mind. I live not so far away, and you can call me if you need me. If you need to unburden yourself, if you need to laugh, if you want a sparring companion…whatever it is... Even if you don't ever call, just know that I am your friend to whom you may tell anything. We can be friends, can't we, Regina?"

Robin turned to Regina for confirmation. All he received was a slight nod. That was enough for him. He grabbed one of the magazines sitting on the bedside table, drew a pen from his shirt pocket, and scribbled down his personal cell phone number.

"Here it is! Now rest up, lovely. I hope you are doing well again in a short while!"

Robin wanted to kiss her, to hug her…to- something! But their past had only left him with remorse and hesitance. He found himself increasingly unworthy of speaking to this woman – this goddess of a woman who had suffered so much unbearable loss in her life. He had stolen her heart and not even cared to look behind when he walked away with it.

Instead of being his normal courageous self, Robin timidly reached out to pat Regina's shoulder.

Although the gesture itself was rather awkward, Regina felt something stir within herself. It was the soul connection – that incredible impulse the rushed through her system every time she touched him. Even through their separation, that bitterly painful time for her when he had been with Marian, their connection had survived.

As Robin pivoted to make an escape to the door, a dainty hand grasped his arm. He gasped. Regina was reaching for him.

"Don't go," she whispered.

"I won't." He turned back around and retreated to his former seat.

"Please stay with me until I fall asleep. I promise it won't be long. I just don't want to be alone right now."

Regina's pleading nearly broke his heart. Never before had he heard the former Evil Queen nor the composed Madame Mayor ever sound so small. She was so childlike, so helpless.

The thought caused Robin to once again scan his soul mate. What he saw was terrifying. The usually arresting, voluptuous figure had been replaced by a skeletal husk. Her abnormal weight loss and sallow complexion absolutely scared the typically unshakeable archer. _Where is MY Regina?_

"I'll stay," he promised.

 _If only you could. If only I could._ Regina took heart in his abiding care for her but cried internally for all that could not be.

Just as he thought she was drifting off to sleep, Robin heard her speak once more.

"You are my friend, Robin. The problem is... you will always be so much more to me."

* * *

Robin jolted awake. Tapping lightly on his shoulder was none other than Rumpelstiltskin.

"Wha-"

The Dark One motioned to Regina, still sleeping soundly in her bed. "I'd like to speak to you _outside_."

Robin nodded and arose from his seat. He followed Rumple out of the room and into the hallway, quietly shutting the door behind him.

"What is it that you want?" Robin asked.

"Why is it that you think I want something from you, dearie? You did come to see me, didn't you? That is, of course, before you stumbled upon our dear queen."

"Yes. I came to see how you've been doing since you drank the elixir. Clearly, it has helped. You seem to be in good health now. Meanwhile, Regina has gotten herself into a sorry state and landed herself in the hospital. Do _you_ have any idea what exactly is wrong with her?"

Robin was not in a good mood, having been shaken out of his peaceful nap, and was itching to return to Regina's side. If he had to be out of the room, he wanted answers.

"Settle down, dearie. Wouldn't want to wake the sleeping beauty, now would we?" Rumple's impish nature was starting to come out from the shadows of his human form, and Robin didn't like the evasion one bit. "In answer to your question, I do know what is wrong with Regina.

"You must tell me," Robin demanded, almost frantic.

"No. We need to have a discussion first."

Right then, an orderly wheeled a boy down the hall in a wheelchair. The young patient was hooked up to an I.V. Evidence of his sickliness was displayed by the long scar on his face and the unhealthy yellowish tint to his skin.

Rumpelstiltskin pulled Robin out of the way of the traffic and a ways down the corridor into a vacant alcove where they could continue their conversation.

"As I was saying, dearie, I do have knowledge of Regina's condition, but I will not tell you everything until we have a little chat. I am the Dark One, a man who exchanged his normal life, his cowardly ways, for the Darkness. When I was searching for happiness, I failed to recognize I already had it with my son Baelfire. I gave him up in my pursuit of power and eventually lost him forever."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He was genuinely sympathetic toward the imp for losing his only child, but all Robin wanted to hear about was Regina. "But what does that have to do with Regina?"

"Patience. I failed to recognize the happiness right in front of me. You've gone and done the same thing." Rumple rebuked the archer in his own matter-of-fact fashion.

"You mean Regina? I had no choice but to leave Storybrooke. I couldn't possibly have allowed Marian to wander about in this strange new land by herself!"

Robin couldn't believe the gall of this man. He had no right to judge him or correct him! Rumpelstiltskin had done far worse things than him and did not know the full story!

"Everyone in Storybrooke, by now, knows of the unwavering moral code you live by. I do believe you threw away your happiness when you left Regina, but that is none of my business. You can choose Marian; that is your right in life. I only told you all this so that you know what you did – how you threw away Regina's happiness, too."

" _What do you mean?!_ " Robin ground his teeth. He was not about to take any more accusations from Rumpelstiltskin, of all people!

Rumple extended his arm. With a puff of smoke, a manila folder magically appeared in his outstretched hand.

" _This_ will explain what I mean."

Rumple handed the anxious outlaw the folder.

Robin opened it and scoured the documents for information. After a few minutes, he slapped the folder shut.

"This is futile! I can't understand a bloody word! Could you please tell me what this is? Why did you give it to me? And what does it say?" Robin's frustration and anxiety were at a boiling point.

"I just gave you a peek at Regina's medical file. I entrusted it to you because you asked me what I knew. What does it say, you ask? I don't think you _want_ to know, but I will tell you because you must know. Patient Regina Mills. Age 36. In for cardiac sarcoma."

Rumpelstiltskin chanced a look at his companion. Robin only offered a confused but extremely distraught expression. When Rumple paused his spiel, the archer narrowed his eyes. Before Robin could yell at Rumple, the imp continued in his explanation.

"What this all means is that Regina has a malignant or cancerous tumor growing on her heart. It is cutting off blood flow to her heart. Apparently, because of the tumor's particular location, the rapidity of its growth, and the lateness in which it was diagnosed, it cannot be treated."

The Dark One's final pronouncement of Regina's prognosis was shocking, to say the least. From the day he had met her until the day he left town, Robin had known his soul mate to be a survivor. She was the strongest woman- No. She was the strongest _person_ he had _ever_ met. He could not fathom her as being sick.

 _And what is that supposed to mean?!_ Robin's emotions were raging, but his mind froze. He could not process this new information. Only that morning he had been happy with his wife. Maybe not truly happy, but he had been okay. Now he was completely destroyed. The woman he had loved- The woman he still loved was _not_ okay.

"What do you mean it can't be treated?!" Robin shouted. He balled his hands into fists and stepped closer to get in the Dark One's face.

"It means that the doctors can't do anything to help a woman that has a life-threatening condition. It means that Regina is waiting in there for a miracle or for death."

Robin couldn't handle anymore. _The man doesn't know what he's talking about. He needs to shut up! Regina is going to be fine and in fighting form, just as she always is. She'll be back in Storybrooke battling the next great villain in no time._

Those are the words Robin force-fed his mind. But even through his mind's desperate chatter, he knew it wasn't true. He knew nothing was right anymore.

 _I have to get away from this bloody hospital!_

Rumple seemed to be reading his mind.

"Before you go, dearie, I would think seriously about how you will spend your time in the near future. Regina may not be here much longer," the Dark One warned.

"I cannot hear this!"

Robin turned on his heel and bolted down the corridor. Before he got on the elevator, he halted to stare back at Regina's door. _Room 516._

"It doesn't look good," a deep male voice said.

Snatched away from his inner turmoil, Robin searched for the owner of the voice. _Ahh, he must be the doctor._ A woman stood beside him in scrubs. _The nurse._

"The poor dear! And she has nobody to see her through the cancer!" The woman exclaimed with great pity.

"I see these cases everyday, but I never get over the experience of having to walk these people toward death. Most of them make it, but cases like hers… I'm the one that always has to be the stoic doctor and the tough man while my heart is breaking for these dying patients. I'm the one that has to tell their loved ones they're not going to make it. And then when the patient does die, I hold the sobbing husbands, wives, and children as they mourn a pain that will never go away."

The doctor shook his head and appeared to be genuinely moved by the sentiments he shared.

The nurse patted the doctor's arm and added her two cents. "But this lady has no one! She has a tumor eating up her heart, and she will die alone! This world is SO unfair!"

"Well, it won't be long now. Her vitals haven't been looking good for the last couple hours. I think she only has a day or so. Go back into room 516 and make sure Ms. Mills is comfortable. It won't be long, and we have to do our best for her even now."

 _He's talking about Regina! I can't hear anymore! I won't listen to Rumpelstiltskin or that fool doctor! I won't!_

Robin rushed into the elevator and pounded at the buttons. The doors closed. The elevator started making its descent.

 _I must leave! I must!_

The elevator seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. Robin felt suffocated. His throat tightened. His eyes watered. He didn't care that he was still in public. He didn't think that this was the woman he had abandoned long ago. He didn't think or do anything consciously at all.

When he arrived at the ground floor, Robin ambled out of the elevator like a zombie. He was overtaken by dread. All rational thought was out the window, yet his mind rumbled on at light speed like a freight train.

 _I left her!_

 _I did this!_

 _I moved on!_

 _I broke my soul mate's heart!_

 _I am responsible!_

 _She's going to die!_

 _Regina is going to die because of me!_

"NOOOOO!" Robin wailed. He fell to the ground, unaware and unashamed of his open sorrow. Without qualms or worries about the time, his family, or the rest of his so-called life, he lay in the lobby of the hospital and cried until a security guard came, picked him up, and forced him to leave.


	2. Tears Behind Their Eyes

_Fair warning: EMOTIONAL chapter! Not giving specific triggers because I refuse to spoil my story. Also, sorry for this long wait to receive this update! Enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter 2: Tears Behind Their Eyes

* * *

Bitter gusts of wind smacked Robin square in the chest, as he stumbled onto the sidewalk. The former thief, quite adept with grace and balance required to carry out acts of larceny, barely regained his bearing, having just been propelled out of the Mount Sinai Hospital's doors by a burly security guard.

 _I guess I can count that as the first time I've been booted out of an establishment in this new land._

"Hey! Watch it!"

Having dazedly been meandering about, Robin had stumbled onto a pedestrian. An odd-looking young man stared back at the scruffy archer. The insulted party confused Robin with his appearance – a shaved head, baggy trousers that hung off his arse, a black shirt with no sleeves and practically no sides, a striped stocking hat, and a heavy golden chain around his neck.

"I beg your pardon. So sorry!"

Jumping up from his fallen position on the pavement, Robin slowly righted himself. He brushed himself off and then offered a hand to the vagrant-looking character he had toppled.

"Yeah. Yeah. Just watch where you're going next time, man," the youth grunted. He swiped at Robin's offensive hand, denying the help extended to him.

Usually, Robin would have thought the boy rude. This was no _usual_ day. As it was, he did not notice the blatant disrespect being projected his way nor the small crowd of bystanders that were gawking at his stupefied behavior.

He walked onward.

That is how the rest of his day went. Life went on as usual, people carried out their business, and Robin tripped around like a blind man.

He arrived at work and ran smack into his boss.

On his break, he went to get coffee from the break room. It was cold.

He answered some sales calls and lost his cool with the customers. After the fifth disgruntled caller discontinued business with their company, the boss forced Robin to leave for the day.

Robin then made his way home. He couldn't find his keys upon arrival and had to knock on his own door. Marian let him in but found him to be despondent when she asked about his day. Being the dutiful, good wife that she was, Marian cooked the perfect dinner, fed her family, and did her best to pretend to Roland like there was nothing the matter with his father.

Eventually, the day came to an end. Robin's feelings of being utterly lost, however, were far from ending.

Tuck in Roland. Tell him a bedtime story. (Talk him out of demanding a 'Gina story'.) Brush teeth. Wash face. Put on pajamas. Kiss Marian goodnight (unless she's demanding more affection than one kiss). Turn off the lamp. Try to sleep.

That was the plan. _Planning is for those who are in denial about fate._

Robin tossed and turned and rolled and jerked. No matter what position he tried, the weary man could find no way to rest his troubled mind.

"Robin."

Robin was ashamed that his restlessness had kept his wife awake. He neglected to respond for a lingering moment, hoping that she would soon be lost in the land of dreams if he waited. No such luck. The tone in which she had spoken his name was crisp, clear, and alert.

"Marian?"

"You can't sleep." The ever-attentive woman reached out her arm and rubbed her husband's back. It was meant to be soothing, but it only further agitated Robin.

"That much is obvious!" Robin snapped.

 _She's only trying to help. She doesn't know what's going on. Be nice, Robin._

"I am so sorry, love. I've had a very stressful day, and I just cannot seem to go to sleep. There's simply too much to think about." Robin rubbed his face. His answer was truthful but vague, and all it seemed to be was a lie. He didn't want to involve Marian in another issue that dealt with Regina, but what could he do? To not inform Marian would be to distance her – to wall her off from a part of himself that his wife was entitled to know.

"I understand, Robin. But please, let me bear some of your burden. Tell me what's wrong. I do not mind." Even in the dark, Marian glued her eyes to her husband's form, waiting for a sign of what he was feeling. She wanted desperately to lessen the causes of his consternation.

Robin rolled over to face Marian. "Let me hold you, sweetheart." He reached for her and clutched her closely so that her back was pressed tightly to his chest. _I will reveal it all, but she must face away from me._ The archer was once again caught in the web of the Storybrooke world – more specifically, Regina's web. If Marian could translate the furrows in his face or the pain in his eyes, then he would have once again failed her as her 'til-death-do-us-part' partner.

"Marian, you know I went to visit Rumpelstiltskin at the hospital today. But on the way… I swear it was an accident – completely coincidental. I found Regina there and-"

"She was checking in with the Dark One? I thought they weren't on speaking terms. But I suppose they both practice the Dark Arts," Marian mused snidely. As patient as she was trying to be, the mention of her husband's former lover did _NOT_ sit well with her. Overall, though, she was confused.

"No, Marian. It wasn't like that. I found Regina in her own hospital bed. She's a patient."

Robin could have said more, but something stopped him. Perhaps it was loyalty he felt toward Regina and her value for privacy. Perhaps it was the negative way in which Marian _still_ and forever would view the former Evil Queen. Perhaps it was Robin's desire to keep Regina a private pocket in his life.

"You would think that a sorceress as powerful as herself could keep herself well," Marian grumbled.

"We are all human, Marian."

"I suppose so. In a way, it makes sense that she would be ill. The Evil Queen is a wretched person who singlehandedly murdered her subjects by the droves. The witch is finally getting what she deserves."

Robin couldn't believe his ears. _Who is this woman sharing my bed?!_ In Storybrooke, Marian had seemed to be gradually accepting Regina's transformation. Regina had even told him about a conversation where Marian had almost offered Robin to her. Why, suddenly, had his wife taken on, for no apparent reason, an attitude of selfishness and an unwillingness to forgive?

"Regina did those horrible deeds a long time ago, Marian. That certainly doesn't erase the fact that her reign as the Evil Queen happened. Nothing can, but we cannot hold so much hate in our hearts. Remember what you used to say?"

"I can't quite recall, Robin."

"Truly? You used to say it all the time!"

Still, there was no response from Marian.

Robin continued, "Well, I certainly can recall with vivid clarity. You used to say, 'Time forgets all sins. Only people remember'."

"Oh, right. I did say that quite often, didn't I?" Marian chuckled, but the bit of laughter seemed misplaced amongst conversation topics such as illness, murder, and repentance.

The bedtime chatter had come to an awkward halt. Neither party had anything more to say at the moment. The silence, though more appropriate than continued words, reverberated in their ears like the roar of the ocean.

Eventually, a loud yawn broke the silence. "I'm feeling fatigued, Robin. And didn't you say you endured a rather arduous day? Let's turn in now."

Robin was fine with that decision. Before Marian had become fixated and a tad belligerent over Regina, he had planned on disclosing the full truth of Regina's prognosis. Now he was grateful for his wife ending the night. Telling Marian about Regina's terminal condition would only serve to rile her up even more.

 _Best just to leave it alone._ _I can always talk to her about it when she's more calm. Maybe she doesn't even need to know. Regina isn't an active part of my life. Speaking about Regina would only serve to upset Marian more. Why bring up an unnecessary point of contention?_

* * *

 _"Dr. Philips to O.R. Two. Dr. Philips to O.R. Two."_

Announcements over the P.A. system were the urgent-sounding but meaningless noises that played as the soundtrack to Robin's anxiety.

He was back at the hospital. Waiting.

Unshaven face. Wrinkled clothing. Unkempt hair. Bloodshot eyes. Robin looked worse for the wear. He hadn't slept. Tossing and turning through the night, the restless archer had embraced the insomnia by lamenting over Regina's failing health. To make matters worse, the 'good' days with Regina in Storybrooke had played on loop over and over in his mind until he felt like he was going insane. _Shut my eyes. Cover my ears. Listen to music_. Every tactic he employed failed at stopping her from pervading his consciousness. Regina had taken up permanent residency in Robin's subconscious – she lived in his very heart and soul.

The drum – of pain, of guilt, and of impossible love – beat on and on. And so, his tortured mind led him here.

 _I'm here. Regina is just down the hall. There may be little time, and we've already wasted so much time apart. If only she had gone into that tavern all those years ago… If only I had found a way to stay with her in Storybrooke instead of going to New York! I must go. I must go now!_

With that, Robin forced himself to stand from the rock-hard waiting room chair. Though his nervous heart and aching bones protested, he wove his way down the hall toward Room 516.

He knocked.

"Enter."

A croak. A whisper. So unlike the power of his queen that was usually projected. But those 'usual' days were only memories. Days when she was well. Days long gone.

The archer opened the door and crossed the threshold into Room 516, hesitantly approaching his future.

Not a word was spoken. Never were there two more focused, more in love, and more heartbroken.

Ever the one to bravely forage ahead, Regina cleared her throat in a manner that poorly attempted to take on her once expected regal aura.

"Robin." A weak smile stretched across her frail face. "Sit beside me."

He sat.

"I—"

"You—"

 _Why is this so bloody difficult?! It's only Regina! But it's Regina…_

They chuckled. A shared grin and knowing looks passed between them, and suddenly, there was once again a familiar ease.

"Go ahead, Robin."

"No. You first, Milady."

"Fine, Thief," Regina barked. Her eyes twinkled with mischief and spirit, things Robin dreamed about and thanked the universe that he could once more see. "You look well."

"Why, thank you, Your Majesty. I'm glad you're so fond of my vest and this land's trousers. I don't quite understand the fascination."

Regina's laugh filled the room with a sweet richness of music. "They're called _jeans_ , Robin." _And I've always liked how they look on you._

"Of course, Milady. Jeans… I shall remember that. You appear—"

She cut him off. "Don't lie. I look terrible. I'm fine. I'm sick. I'm in a hospital. I've also missed you these past few months, so can we please talk about more pleasant things? What have you been up to here in New York?"

"Hmm…" Robin rubbed his head, trying to decide what to tell her. He wanted to share everything, but so much of it was Marian. He didn't want to pain Regina, and he didn't want his two lives to become one. No guilt was allowed in this special visit, no matter how short.

"Roland is well. He goes to something called 'elementary school'. He first cried having to leave me, but then he came home his first day with this squishy – _Playdo_ , was it? – and told me and Marian all about his new friends."

Robin glanced at Regina. Lost in a gleeful daze, she seemed just as pleased with his memories as he was, as if she had been there. _If only she could have been. He asked for her often enough._

"I remember those days. When Henry first went to school, he cried in the car. He refused to get out. I practically had to drag him out, but I finally convinced him to go in when I promised him a chocolate milkshake as an after-school snack. After that day, I never had to drag him back since. As you probably remember, Henry loves school. Or at least, he loves English and literature, as well as Enchanted Forest history."

"That's one thing I miss for Roland. I'm afraid he is too separated from who he is. They don't teach him about the Enchanted Forest in his school here. He no longer has the Merry Men. He no longer has Henry, who was like his older brother. He no longer has you. He still talks about 'My Majesty' and 'Gina' every day, especially at bedtime when he wishes to hear one of your tales. He has missed you very much."

Regina's eyes were shimmering and wet with tears. Though she did not turn away, she blinked, forcing them to recede. _I cannot cry. If I cry now, I will not be able to stop._

Then, locking eyes with her beloved outlaw, she confessed, "I missed him. Robin," grabbing his hand, she whispered, "I missed you. Every single day."

Never had Robin felt so gutted. Those few words rattled through his body. To the core of his being, they silently sank and penetrated like a poisonously vibrant wakeup call.

"I missed you, Regina. You would not understand how much. New York is not Storybrooke. I missed your little town. Yet there was still so much of you in this city. So much, but not enough. I missed you, lovely. I—"

Robin stopped himself. The truth had flown out of his mouth so easily. It had been freeing – and then, it wasn't. Those words that he was about to utter stopped him. They reminded him that he was a married man. A man who had no business telling another woman, soulmate or not, that he— _No. I simply MISSED her. Simple as that._

The silence still spoke. Regina knew, in the depths of her heart, what he had intended to say. But she also knew why he did not. So instead of mourning the absence of those words as her heart thrummed with pain and restlessness, she diplomatically redirected the conversation, as ever the queen she had been groomed to be.

"Tell me more about your life here, Robin."

Still reeling from his almost-admission, he blurted, "Marian is pregnant."

Regina breathed in sharply. Her hands clawed at the sheets out of sight from him, grasping to anchor herself while feeling a punch to her guts.

With summoned grace, she forced out, "You're going to be a father?"

"Yes." _Stupid! Stupid! Why did I tell her that?_

"Congratulations."

Robin winced. Regina's dry, cracked lips were drawn up unnaturally into a harsh smile. The artificial enthusiasm that she projected for him was horrible. He never wanted to have to see that from her again.

"I'm sorry." He could not and would not say more. He could not apologize for bringing a beautiful baby into existence. He could not dishonor Marian anymore. He only hoped that Regina could accept that he was sorry.

"It is okay."

"It's not."

"Robin, it is what it is." She reached out for him. Grasping his hard, muscular bicep, she squeezed with genuine warmth this time.

Robin soaked in every second, as he had been since he stepped in the room. He refused to lose her anymore. This time was for keeps. It would have to last him the rest of his life.

"Onward then, I suppose. I found work at what this world calls a 'call center'. It is quite tedious work. You would never guess! So many people in this world are impatient and venomous! Now I know you've changed, Milady, but you still have your fire and temper. Do not deny it." He smirked at his mercurial queen, while brushing her arm reassuringly. "Many a call I wished I could summon your quick wit and temper to fry these angry callers."

"I certainly could have helped. How do you think some of those ungracious toads would have reacted had I assisted you by using magic so that fire erupted from their phones?"

They erupted in laughter. Time would not take away their simpatico and their unique sense of playfulness.

"I wish you could have been there with me. I wish you could have seen it."

"So do I," Regina agreed.

Both were so caught in the _what if_ 's. The longing was becoming so thick in the air. The Queen and her Thief were suspended in time, waiting for the magic to happen. It would not come. Their time was running out.

But Regina would not let time run out on them.

"Robin."

That was the name he'd been born with. Countless people had addressed him by name over the span of his life. Regina herself had spoken Robin's name too many times for him to count. Yet this particular time… Uttered like a request…a prayer…a promise… Regina's whispered call to him froze time. The former queen had always been a force to be reckoned with; she was a woman who stopped people in their tracks both forcibly and more often than not, without any thought. But that was not it. And the gravity of Regina's illness did not even register as a pertinent factor in that second. Time froze because the soft utterance of a lover's name was a belated request. _Stay with me for this one moment in time._

Their eyes met, and it was a rejoining of their souls. Never had one pair of eyes – her eyes – held so much truth.

"I love you."

Those three words. They were everything. The entirety of Regina's being was poured into that statement. It was such a simple pronouncement, but it was as deep and powerful as their shared enduring love. She gave all she had to give. It was _everything._

But Robin let the 'everything _else_ ' – everything that didn't matter – cloud his head.

 _She just told me she loves me. She loves me STILL! After everything I've done to her! I am the man who left her – not once, but twice! How could I not love her for just that? But there are so many reasons I love her! I wish I could tell her, but Marian… Marian is my wife. Marian was my final choice. I can't go back on that now! I gave my word that Regina would not come between us again! But Regina… Regina is my soul mate. The woman I love. I love her, AND I am in love with her! She entrusted me with her heart long ago, and she has mine, too. That, in itself, is now a betrayal to my wife, so how could saying it aloud be anymore wrong than what I already feel?_

As soon as Robin lifted his gaze and opened his mouth to speak-

 _BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_

Robin would never get the chance to tell Regina how much he loved her. Fate had taken that chance.

"I love you, Regina. I love you."

* * *

 _Get to Storybrooke._

There were no thoughts. No tears. No time. After leaving the hospital, Robin became a machine. The grief was killing him, but he kept it at bay. He refused to be overcome by the undertow of reality. The reality of his loss would bring him to his knees – if and when he ever gave it any consideration. He just had to keep going.

 _Get out of the hospital._

He dashed down the hall. He sprung through the elevator doors. When he reached the ground level, he flew through the lobby and out into the daylight. No stopping. He sprinted mindlessly to the apartment.

It was a miracle he was functioning well enough to do all that. There was no rhyme or rhythm or premeditated deciding to his behavior that day. Robin ran on adrenaline and shock.

He was compensating for all the time he spent in New York trying to forget Regina – to cancel her out of his life. This was his atonement. Although he wouldn't think of her now – _could not_ think of her now – every action and breath he took revolved around the queen he had fallen hopelessly in love with. The woman he had lost and miraculously found and then sat with as her very life force was forever snuffed out.

 _Get to the apartment_.

He went in. He sat down. Hours and hours passed. No movement. No words. No eating. Marian made a continuous effort to get him to speak. No results. Roland came home with his endless reserve of childish energy. No response. Robin did no more than he had to – no more than was required of him for Regina.

Gold arrived for only a brief flash. It was a mission of force. Robin must accompany him back to Storybrooke. 'No one knows.' Robin woke up for a second. He almost choked. No one _knows._ 'How much don't they know?' Apparently, they didn't know the 'end' of the story – the demise of their mayor.

Good, old Marian to the rescue. Old, reliable Marian. One minute, Gold was urging him to get up and get going with him on a journey out of New York back to the land of fairytale characters and curses and dreams. The next, Marian was shoving a packed suitcase of his clothes into his arms. A peck on the cheek. A hug from a little boy. A slam of the door.

 _Get to Storybrooke._

That was how the once heroic, larger-than-life Robin Hood ended up a battered man. That was how the broken outlaw found himself zipping down the interstate in a car with the Dark One.

Finding Regina in the hospital and two last visits with her had sealed Robin into his forever-changed destiny. How the mighty had fallen! Love lost. Honor cracked. None of it mattered.

 _Get to Storybrooke._

His vision blended and spun and blurred. The time and landscape were whitewashed into static nothingness. He knew his destination. He knew his immediate future. He knew he had to face the town _she_ had created. He just didn't know how he could return to the place that had served as his paradise – one that was now haunted by and desolate without the presence of his soul mate.


	3. Tears Shed Alone

_The timeline is a bit deviated from canon. Dates aren't especially relevant or specific. Gold didn't come to New York until only a couple of weeks before the start of this story. The Queens of Darkness plot doesn't happen, as that would mess with Gold's ability to participate in this fic's plot._

* * *

Chapter 3: Tears Shed Alone

* * *

The clock was too bright.

Every few seconds, Robin would look up. The green lights of the car's digital clock on the dashboard would catch his attention. He was captivated.

Time. Regina had counted the hours, futilely hoping that Robin would return for her. Robin had counted the hours, too. He had fought against and squashed any hopes to find a way back to his soul mate. Robin had counted the hours, waiting for the day when Regina would no longer factor into his life, and he could be free of guilt. He had prayed for the day when he could once again recommit to his wife without any ghosts in the way.

It was the ultimate irony of the car ride. Robin now had nothing but time on his hands. Regina would no longer await his return. He no longer had to wait for the time when Regina would be gone. She _was_ gone. For good. Eternally. Never to return. Now he had no countdown on which to focus, but the digital reading of the time held a constant pull over him.

Besides the time issue and all of the deeper issues that Robin refused to confront, the journey back to Storybrooke was a simple one. Long but simple. Gold navigated the car down the highways and winding roads without stop for eight hours. Robin sat silently in the passengers seat.

In between his checks on the time, he read. Had it not been for his reading material, he may have slept. As it was, he stayed wide-awake for the entire ride. Robin Hood read the intimate thoughts and feelings of his dead lover, whom he would never see or speak to again. Thank heavens for the nurse that had given him the leather-bound book before he had fled the hospital. If only once more, he could uncover more secrets behind the woman he loved. Once again hear her voice, if only conjured from memories.

* * *

.:.

.:.

 _Robin,_

 _Hello. I am fine. It's been much less busy around here without you and Roland. Henry's being my brave Little Prince, like always. He misses both of you a lot, by the way, but is being spectacularly strong. I know he misses your archery lessons. Without Roland, he has no one to boss around or show his latest comic books and action figures._

 _Actually, I am not exactly fine. Even though I am writing this to you, this is a diary. In all likelihood, you will never see this. So why lie? Now is not the time to act as if everything is perfect. Far from it._

 _You chose me, and then suddenly, you were forced leave. Over the town line. I might never see you again. That hurts me beyond belief every single day._

 _I was not doing so well the first week after you left. Henry was, of course, always there, but a little boy shouldn't have to handle his broken mother. He shouldn't have to handle me. In the end, he didn't do it by himself. On the third day, paragon of virtue Snow barged into the mansion and would not leave. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined her to be my personal savior. There she was being perfect again! It infuriated me. I just had no energy to fight it. Eventually, she made me sit down with Dr. Hopper. I didn't want the whole town to think I was a basket case, but I eventually crumbled. I did see him during the Curse years, so why not now? That is how this emotional journaling endeavor came to be. Surprisingly, I think this will be good for me._

 _I will try. As with everything else in recent years, I do this for Henry. He is my reason for living and the only thing that gets me out of bed everyday. It seems that most days I rely on him for strength._

 _So I suppose love is strength – at least when it comes to Henry. My mother was partially wrong. Maybe she was partially right, as well. I need Henry to be strong because I am weak. I am weak because of you. I don't blame you. I love you. Our love is what made me weak. We were fated to be soul mates. It was in the stars for us. I threw myself headlong into this 'second chance' and gave everything I had to give. Our relationship burned too brightly, and then when it was over, the flame was extinguished as if there was never even a spark._

 _I do blame you. I hate you. I hate you because every part of me still loves you. It is inexplicable. You have probably moved on with your wife, and I have no right to begrudge you that. She is your wife. You were married to her for years, long before we ever met. You share vows with her. We only knew each other for a short while in the scheme of things. Like I said, it is inexplicable because I have waited my whole life to find someone to love with my whole being. I did. It was you. Now you're gone, and I am still so in love that it has utterly destroyed me. I wake up at night with my heart pounding full of so much love and hope for your impossible return that it makes me sick._

 _You changed me. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that. I think I expected you to leave me. Everyone else in my life has. That was almost part of the plan. Being separated from you should have been bearable. You made that impossible when you stole my heart. I am a better, changed person because of you and your appearance in my life. I think I might die with my heart as your hostage._

 _It just hurts too much. I want to be strong again._

 _How am I supposed to continue living without you?_

 _I just need you back. I want you back. Even though I am in so much pain that it fills me with anger, I do love you._

 _For always,_

 _Your Regina_

* * *

 _I need you, Robin! I know you're where you need to be. Marian needs you, and I understand. But it's times like these when I have such a hard time trying to understand. At this moment, and every moment, I need you so much!_

 _Why can't I feel you anymore?_

 _That first time we kissed, it was magical. There was such a warmth – one that I have never felt before! I know you felt it, too. And then that perfect, wondrous night that you first made love to me… I cry when I think about it. It just hurts so much because it was achingly beautiful. Even before, during our picnic, we just talked. We opened up to each other, and it was so real. That night, I knew we were soul mates. Not because of your tattoo or what Fate says. I have never felt so loved and safe and cared for in my entire life. That night, I revealed myself to you fully and with as much honesty as I knew how, and I knew that we were connected. Our souls are one. Or were._

 _But now I CANNOT feel you! I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. It was as if I was on fire. Oh, how it hurt! All I wished was that you were there! I don't know why I thought of you when I was in so much agony. Perhaps it was because I couldn't go to sleep? Perhaps I was hallucinating and waiting for my Thief to steal my heart again and make it new? Now I just sound silly. I shouldn't wonder why I thought of you because I do that so much anyway._

 _I know it's unhealthy of me to write this journal as if I'm speaking to you. I know I shouldn't allow myself to let my mind wander to you so often. I'm just hurting myself. We are apart – that is the new reality. I simply cannot help it! I love you, and I don't think that will ever end (even if I ever wanted it to)._

* * *

 _It is days like this when I'm desperate for you to be here with me. I have news._

 _You would be so excited if you were here! I just know it._

 _I think I'm pregnant! Can you believe it?!_

 _I have been resting a lot lately. Snow has been terribly worried. I thought it was a cold. (Or maybe just laziness and sadness.) Whatever it is, I was willing to ignore it. Leave it to ever-persistent Snow! She is practically dragging me to visit Whale – even though she knows I have issues with that despicable man!_

 _I should know by tomorrow!_

 _I think we're having a boy. That's what I hope, anyway. He will be just like you. Strong. Courageous. Funny. Patient. Understanding. Kind. Definitely handsome as sin! I really do hope he looks like you. Maybe it will hurt, but I need you here. I know that may never happen, but a piece of you will be in our child._

 _Of course, any baby talk makes me think of when this happened. I shudder to think it all started in the vault. Don't mistake my hopes – that night will always be special to me! However, I really want the baby to have been born out pure love. Before all the confusion and heartache. When we were untouched by responsibility and the past. When we were focused on a second chance._

 _I think this baby will be my second chance. My second opportunity for the second chance we never got to take together._

* * *

 _I am not pregnant._

 _Cardiac sarcoma._

 _It's going to kill me._

 _I have this thing eating at my heart – shortening my days on earth. I always thought my day would come before my hair turned gray. It's almost overdue. What surprises me is that I will probably die from something medical. The cause is human and normal. Not magical._

 _I guess it's not 'normal'. Whale is astonished by my condition. Apparently, the tumor has developed at an abnormally rapid rate. According to the tests he ran, it will be hard to treat my condition due to progression. I was not negligent with my health or anything of the sort. If the progression of the tumor had been normal, then I could be well in no time._

 _Unfortunately, nothing is ever simple for me. Whale lacks the time and resources to treat me in any effective measure. I must consult someone else._

* * *

 _I am in New York. Imagine that!_

 _We are in the same city! Maybe I will see you? When I first arrived, I desperately wanted to visit you. I wanted to ring your doorbell and surprise you. I can't imagine that would have gone over well with Marian. Then I just wanted to catch a glimpse of your face from a distance. In order to do that, I would have had to be a stalker, and the payout wouldn't have been worth the residual pain. To see you and not speak to you and not touch you would have dealt me a blow I could not have handled._

 _That's why I'm staying away. You have a chance to start a new life – the second chance we dreamed about – with your family. You don't need me to get in the way of that and mess it up. I am dying. I know, you're probably scolding me for being so pessimistic. Even if I live, I'm still very fragile, sad, and ill. If I sought you out, I would only cause you and your family harm. So I stay away._

 _I am in a huge metropolis and am mostly stuck getting treatment in a crowded hospital. It's definitely not my idea of a fun time! But I do have some time off – moments where I'm not feeling too run down by the treatments and I can sightsee. This is one of Henry's favorite cities to visit. I call him for suggestions. They all believe I'm here on business; that's the official reason. Actually, everyone in Storybrooke probably believes I ran off to lick my wounds. It doesn't bother me, just so long as they don't know the truth. Not yet! I don't want them to see that almighty former Evil Queen who has now been victimized by a mortal affliction. I detest pity!_

 _This is my second chance. I am grabbing it! It may not be the picture perfect future we dreamed of or the redefined family life you're now living, but it is something. I am making whatever time I have left count. I'm not sure if I have hope to live or not, but I live each day trying to ignore my health problems and trying to just LIVE._

 _Hugs and kisses to you and Roland!_

* * *

 _I wish you were here. I know I say that every time. I know you're tired of hearing it. I know you're in New York wishing I would just box up my longing and put it on a dusty shelf never to be seen again. I know._

 _This week was the hardest._

 _I know now – at least I know from what the doctor has reported – that I have limited time remaining. I will not be doing any more treatments. I am in a limbo. I am biding my time in wait._

 _This week was the most difficult because I am still hoping, but more than that, I have every reason to believe that there is no reason left to hope. Henry has always believed for me. After him, Roland was my ray of sunshine. You were my refuge in this deranged life. None of you knew, so I had to do it alone._

 _I am not alone – now. I did the right thing. I took the difficult route and finally told everyone._

 _My last 'good' day is what they call it on the Internet. I came back from my supposed sabbatical in the Big Apple. I told Emma and Snow that I wanted to have a family weekend. They were shocked! You would have greatly enjoyed their stunned faces! Of course, they agreed to do it for Henry._

 _We woke up bright and early. I had the morning alone with Henry. I cooked a huge spread of everything Henry loves for breakfast. Then we watched cartoons in bed while we ate – just as I did with him when he was a little boy. We got up and got dressed. Emma and the Charmings came over. We piled into our cars and drove to the beach. The water was so cold – too cold, in my opinion – but Henry said he had the best time with his whole family there. Then we went home and put on our pajamas. It was hilarious seeing the frilly Victorian nightgown Snow wears and the Bugs Bunny print flannel set Charming brought! (Do you know Bugs Bunny? If not, Roland would love Looney Tunes!) We piled blankets and sleeping bags and pillows into a large communal pallet for a sleepover. (It was like camping in doors.) Then had a movie marathon and tons of junk food – just that once. (Emma better not let Henry eat that stuff when I'm not around!) It was perfect._

 _The next day was a quiet day. Henry went back to school, but the family met for a dinner together. Isn't it strange that I call the Charmings 'family' after so much blood has passed under the bridge? I suppose it's because they are Henry's family. He loves them. They love him. They will be his only family if I don't make it._

 _Anyway, I told my big news at dinner. It was awful but as expected. At first, there was total silence. Then Emma and Henry started in with the questions. David sat grimly. Snow was wiping up streams of tears; she couldn't even spout her sunshine nonsense. Just so you know, you know more than them. I only told them about my condition – not the prognosis. NOT that I might die soon._

 _Even from a distance, you're the one I trust most. I don't know why I trust you when you broke my heart, but I still stupidly do. I wish I didn't continue loving you so much, but I do._

* * *

 _Do you ever wonder what it's like? To actually die?_

 _I have never wondered. I am not scared of dying – never have been. I spent so much time as the Evil Queen. I killed multitudes and garnered hate in return, so I expected to die at a young age and at an unexpected time. I was in so much pain then that I almost relished death in some way. I was perverse and fearless._

 _Now, I do wonder. Henry, the Charmings, Roland, and you all made me better. I now think like a hero, or at least a 'normal' person. I think the actual experience of death won't be terrible. How could it be? Good people die, just as bad people do. Some people die painless deaths (like in sleep)._

 _Besides the physical experience, I am very scared to die. For the first time in my life, I am terrified of the end. I've been told I feel too deeply. Because of that, I am terrified to leave the earth. I have learned to love. I want to live to badly because of everyone I love. Henry is my little boy whom I may not get to see grow up. I may not see him become a man, graduate, get married, and have children. And you. I haven't seen you for such a long time. I cannot die before you know how much I love you. I refuse to write it. I must see you!_

 _I want to live! I want to be in your arms again! So much, darling!_

 _I love you._

 _.:._

 _.:._

* * *

Robin turned the page. It was blank.

 _Is that it?_

He flipped through the pages. Blank page after blank page. Until the very last.

There was one final entry in the back of the book. It remained unread. Robin was spent.

Each entry in Regina's diary had twisted the knife that cut deeply into Robin's heart. As he read each entry, he felt more and more. He lived through those last heartbreaking months with Regina.

The journal was both a priceless gift and an eternal curse. It gave Robin the chance to know more of Regina and to hear her one final time. It yielded her innermost anguish and hopes and small joys, shedding light on the most private corners of her being – the likes of which he had only previously been given sneak peaks. Regina had been truthful, holding back nothing. For this, Robin was grateful. He also kicked himself ceaselessly.

Guilt. Guilt. Flooding him. Wrecking him. From the very first entry, his heart hurt. It hurt that he had revoked his choice – of her. This was a book that detailed how greatly he had destroyed her with his rejection. Sure, he had left town with the knowledge that he had to leave to save Marian's life. Regina understood. But in the end, _he_ knew that he had chosen Marian in his heart and turned his back on Regina, their memories, and any semblance of hope for a very unlikely future together. Oh, that he could take it all back! He wanted so much for things to be different!

He wanted to have chosen his queen that day. For her to know that he chose _her_ every bloody day.

He wanted to be the one to give her the strength she pleaded for.

He wanted her to believe that love was _always_ strength and to know that he would always be around to prove that to her.

Those were only things that troubled his mind while reading the first entry!

At the second, he relived those magical moments when they truly 'found' each other. In an isolated instant, he was pulled to a happier time. He smiled. Then, the smile dropped. He read of the chest pains, and he was sick. He hadn't been there when she needed him! She had been alone and in pain, and where was he?! Those chests pains, he knew, were the beginning of the end. But what about why she couldn't feel him?

Now that he thought about it, he realized he hadn't _felt_ her in a very long time. That had been what was so magnificent about their soulmate connection. That first kiss – it was visceral. An internal humming. When they had made love, their hearts fused together. All he had felt that night was fullness and completion; he had been bursting at the seams with an explosive love. That love and connection had not gone away after that night. Now, he could not touch that connection. It was gone.

 _But she died!_

No, that was not it. He had not felt their perfect connection since…

Robin scratched his head, thinking. Wondering.

 _Since the beginning of the time in New York!_ _But… When exactly?_

He would have to think on it later. It wasn't so important, was it? She was gone. He would never feel that connection again. Why did it matter when it was lost if it would never be regained?

Then came the part about the pregnancy.

If Robin had felt sick at her chest pains, this part drop-kicked him. So low that he felt as if the earth might swallow him whole. Here he was, about to be a new father. By _another_ woman. He had been sleeping night after night with Marian in his bed, while Regina had been in pain. Alone. Add to that, she had thought she was pregnant. Alone. Regina's joy at becoming a mother again radiated off the pages of the book. What did not come off the pages, which Robin still knew Regina had experienced, was the despair at being alone. Raising a child alone. Without him.

There was no child, but Regina had thought there was. Temporarily, she had been lifted out of her mourning for her soul mate with the prospect of a new life. Dashed again, her hope died when she found out there was no baby but some insidious cardiac sarcoma.

Once he read her prognosis on the pages in black ink, the rest of the pages flew by much more quickly.

 _In New York City? Only a few miles away?!_

Robin wished with everything in him that she had been more selfish. If she would have only sought him out! Just a few more precious moments together…

Then again, he may have turned her away at that point. Knowing Regina, she would not have told him of her condition. He would have thought she was just visiting. Perhaps he would have turned her away. In his past mindset, he would have been thinking of his honor.

 _Marian would have come first. I would have sent Regina back to Storybrooke. It would have been a disaster. At least this way, she remembered my rejection as one of hesitance and necessity. This way, our last moments, though accidental, were sweet._

 _Almost as sweet as her last moments with her family._ Robin was so relieved she had told Henry and the Charmings of her condition. He had been afraid she hadn't told them anything. She _did_ tell them in a perfect way, but she still left out the most important part. Now, he had been left the back-breaking responsibility of darkening their doors. _Regina is dead._

The final entry he _did_ read about death tore him to pieces – as a final blow to his fragile mental state. Regina had desired with everything inside of her to see her love one final time so that she could tell him how she felt. Robin _had_ visited her. Regina had told him the depths of her love, but he had never told her (when she was still alive). Robin knew that his unsaid love would be a regret that would follow him to the grave.

.:.

.:.

Robin then closed the book and directed his eyes to the road ahead. It had taken him almost the entire ride to digest the treasures found within those personal writings, and his emotional investment had prolonged the experience all the more.

It was dark.

"We're nearing Storybrooke," Gold informed him gravely.

"Could we stop there?" Robin pointed to a lit-up, neon sign announcing an inn off the next exit ramp.

"Dearie, we'll be in Storybrooke in less than half an hour," the imp replied. His tone carried annoyance, but facial expressions betrayed amusement and questioning.

"Please. I need to wait. Just tonight." The explanation was terrible and not enough. Gold still complied with a nod of his head. Something on the outlaw's face told Gold that the request was not made on a whim. This solid man before him was close to his breaking point.

The Dark One slowed the car and took the exit.

The lone inn was a shabby but respectable establishment. The bright red roof and green trimming hinted at a decade from long ago. The room was sparse. The furniture was chipped, and the carpet was threadbare. The saving grace was the proprietor. An elderly woman stepped out from behind the front desk and showed the two men to their neighboring rooms. She was quite the character. After flirting heavily with Robin and sharing an anecdote or two, she went on a diatribe about 'kids these days' and the rebellious modern culture. Eventually, the woman started toward the door. In the name of old-fashioned hospitality, she told them to bother her any time of the day.

Then they were left to their own devices.

Another silent night for Robin. Too silent. Too calm. Too still.

Too alone.

Before his fateful day at the hospital, Robin had begun to believe that he once again had everything. (Close to everything, if he could block Regina from his mind.)

Now he knew.

He knew that it had all been a lie.

Everything was nothing without Regina.

In that cold, empty bed, Robin wondered if he would ever again be at peace. Have love. If he would ever again be able to look at himself.

How could he ever again be proud to be a father to Roland - to teach his boy about love and life - if he himself had thrown away the best thing in his life?

 _Regina._

 _My Regina._

But his Regina was no longer his.


	4. Tears of a Son

_First of all… SORRY! (Particularly to loyal reader Ella:)_ _I apologize for the anguish this story probably puts you through. I know from my own FanFiction reading that I hate it when authors treat Regina badly in their stories, but I am driven to write this particular arc in my alternative canon. On the show, I NEVER want to see Regina suffer or die! Having said that, my muse and whirring brain is forcing me to go with this heart wrenching plot – where Robin finally learns what he put Regina through with all that Marian rubbish. Since Robin's death on the show was a blow, however, (and I do ultimately love OutlawQueen and Robin,) I promise to leave some light at the end of the tunnel for him!_

 _Also, sorry for the short chapter!_

 _BTW, SOOOOOO happy Robin returned! Cannot wait to see them fall in love again!_

* * *

Chapter 4: Tears of a Son

* * *

"Robin, what are you doing here?"

 _This is it. Time to pick your bloody courage up off the floor, and get on with it._

Robin stared ahead of him, his posture stiff and body coiled as if he were a snake. His insides had been like a livewire since he had awoken at the crack of dawn that morning. Having not been able to go back to sleep, he had dragged himself out of bed, snagged an extremely strong and bitter cup of coffee from the inn's odd proprietress, and spent the next few hours restless and fearful.

Now he stood face to face with his fear. In front of him was _her_ son. Henry.

As Robin continued silently trying to find a way to kick-start his brain and loosen his tongue, he saw that this boy was no longer a boy. He was a man. Henry Mills, once the most innocent child with the biggest heart and greatest capacity for belief in the impossible, had changed. Clearly, Robin had missed much in his time away from Storybrooke. From Regina. But also, away from Henry.

Henry, just from Robin's initial glance, was a stranger. Some dark and brooding male spirit had possessed the young Henry's formerly energetic form and decimated his spirit. Five minutes ago at first sighting, Robin had almost whipped his head around in search of Henry Mills, for some haggardly young man had opened the front door of Mills Manor. Something had happened in the last year. Something had beaten Henry down and not let him up for air.

But Robin knew what it was.

Himself.

Robin of Locksley had _killed_ what had been Henry Mills, just as he had irrevocably killed Regina Mills.

" _Robin."_

Robin was at once confounded, amused, and emotionally punctured. The intensity – so like _her._ Not like Henry. At least not the Henry he had once known.

"You heard me. I'm speaking to _you_ ," Henry growled. "WHY. ARE. _YOU._ HERE?"

"I-" Robin choked.

 _No. I have to do this._

"Henry, my boy-"

"I am not _your_ boy!" The raspy hiss of a scream silently reverberated through the quiet airwaves surrounding them. Air whipped Robin's face harshly, just as his emotions and Henry's emotive words whipped him on the inside.

"Henry... Your mother-"

"Stay away from her! You've already broken her heart! Why can't you just leave her alone?!" This time, Henry really did scream.

 _Why couldn't he have stayed out of Storybrooke and stayed away from Mom?! Is it really too much too ask that he doesn't hurt a woman who is already dying from cancer?!_

"I'm sorry, Henry."

"Sure, you're sorry. Just like everyone is always sorry when they mess up. Only your screw-ups wrecked my mom. She wasn't herself after you left. Oh, she tried! But there went her masks! Up again, and she wouldn't lean on anyone! Not really."

As Henry ranted, Robin just didn't know how he was going to continue. The trek back to Storybrooke had made him a bundle of jittery nerves. Facing Henry had been like an icy shockwave. But now Henry was laying this on him. The truth of what he, Robin, had done to his love. His soulmate. Seeing Regina… Reading her diary… Recounting their memories and regretting and going over and over those days in his head… Now this. And Henry didn't even know yet!

 _How can I tell him? It will absolutely ruin him! And I am to blame…_

"Henry," Robin pushed out forcefully. "I am sorry."

Robin stared the lad in the eyes, demanding of his body that he not cry but stay strong. It was no longer his right to grieve and be selfish. It was Henry's time.

A moment went by. Finally, there was recognition. Robin saw that life-submerging, splintering hurt. A chill went through Robin's body, up through the spine and jarred him.

 _I won't cry. Not again. Henry needs me._

"Murderer! You killed my mom!"

Henry lunged at Robin. Throwing back his arm so hard he felt like his arm would snap off, he put all the might he could muster into his punch. Hit after hit. He hoped the thief would pay. The legendary Robin Hood had stolen his mother's heart and then left, stealing her personality and all that made her Regina Mills away with him – never to be discovered again. And now, Robin had stolen her actual life away from her.

"I hate you! I HATE YOU!" Henry socked Robin in the nose, leaving it quite bloody and then moved on to punching him in the gut.

Robin had lain still, feeling he deserved the boy's anger. He took it, almost relishing what he thought he deserved. He could feel the pain, but Regina could not feel anything anymore. She had no way to comfort her bereaved son. She could not make it all right for him. So he would have to do. He was in no way sufficient to fill such a gaping hole in Henry life – forever changed – but he was the only one to try to pick up the pieces of a shattering little boy at that moment.

On the third hit to the stomach, Robin stopped Henry. Quickly flipping them and forcing Henry's flailing arms to halt their motion, Robin stared at Henry and did what he could.

"Henry. STOP. Breathe, my boy. Just breathe."

Henry finally stopped resisting and lay limply. Robin rolled away. They both sat up. Henry panted, desperately trying to breathe in that needed breath. His mind could not wrap around the fact that his all-powerful mother was dead. Not coming back. _She will never get her happy ending!_ His body forgot how to function.

"Breathe. Breathe. That's it, Henry."

Henry heard what Robin was saying. Slowly, his mind started comprehending and obeying. Inhale and exhale. Almost back to normal.

Henry's head snapped up.

"Robin, how was she?" Temporarily, Henry forgot his grief and his anger. He was the son. The child. He needed to know.

 _Robin was there, and I wasn't… How is life fair?!_

Scratching his head, Robin tried to come up with a way to answer. "Henry, are you sure?"

"Robin! Give me this! My mom's not here! She never will be! I _need_ to know!"

Robin nodded. "She wasn't well." Staring off into the distance and picturing her ghostly form in that sad, little hospital bed… "She was colorless. Like I've never seen her. Even her personality… She didn't seem like Regina. But she was. I don't know, Henry. Whatever I tell you won't be enough. But she loved you just as much as she always did. You were and always have been the center of her life, Henry."

"Please, Robin. Tell me more." Henry's pleading face did it. Robin knew he had to give him something better. To try to console Henry and give him comfort as much as was possible.

"Well… She looked a bit sad and lonely. But then still smiled. Just barely. But I could see it. _Her ever elusive smile._ " Robin smiled at the thought of her glorious expression that lit up the room whenever she was happy.

"One more thing, Robin." Henry's eyes shone with truth and sincerity. Temporary amnesty. Pleading and begging. _Please don't have hurt my mom!_ "Please tell me you didn't hurt her again. Please."

"I didn't, Henry."

Robin winced. He realized that he probably had indeed hurt her more. His mere reappearance had probably rubbed in the fact that he had not been with her for so long – for months! Then he had told her about Marian and the pregnancy. Then, at the end, he had been silent. Did she die heartbroken and sad and thinking he didn't love her back?!

"Henry, she knew you love her. She knew all of you in Storybrooke love her. I hope she knew I love her and always will. She was a survivor. She would not breathe her last breath defeated. I believe she had to have been happy, knowing you love her. Forever."

At that, Henry stood up and turned away.

 _Already becoming a man?_ Robin surmised that Henry wouldn't want anyone to see him cry. They were men after all…

Henry whipped back around.

"Thanks, Robin. I really do appreciate it. I'm glad she wasn't alone. You were with her when she- when she died. Right?"

"Yes. I was with her."

Henry smiled. It was strained and torn. But it was a smile that told Robin that his presence at Regina's bedside at the end meant everything to Henry.

"I am so thankful you were there. And before, when you were in Storybrooke… And I guess in the Enchanted Forest… I am glad you were in Mom's life. That she met you finally. You may have screwed it all up, and I still am really mad at you. But she needed you both then when she didn't have me and this week when she had to go through it all alone."

"Don't thank me, Henry. I owed her. It was my honor to be there. To be in her life."

Henry could only stay there and look at _him_ one more second. Or he would break.

"I meant what I said, and that's how I feel. Now you need to go. I just- I still kind of hate you. I don't want to hate you, but I do. Maybe we can talk more later. But I can't right now. Please. Go. Leave."

Henry ran back into the house. Robin stared at the Mills Manor, as the front door banged shut. He stared. Finally realizing neither Regina nor Henry would come out soon, he left for the inn.


	5. Tears Forever

_I have no excuses for my not posting - for months. I'm a perfectionist and uber busy, so whatever. But I really want to get back to it, as I am in love with my stories and interacting with all my fellow OQ fans. So here you go! I don't know if I'm happy about it, so I may post a longer version later or after the rest of the story is done. This chapter is a short one, but there should be another coming soon! Hope you enjoy!_

 _DISCLAIMER: The song excerpts are Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You." I claim no ownership._

 _*OUaT Show SPOILER* So excited over Dream Robin... but hated that the 6x12 kiss was a flop! In general, what the heck is Robin doing?! And I am so angry that CaptainSwan keeps breezily sailing forward [i.e. engagement] as Regina gets Marian's return, Zelena's drama, Robin's death, changed Robin, and all the other problems of Storybrooke! [Sorry not sorry for the mini rant]_

* * *

Chapter 5: Tears Forever

* * *

Today was the day of Regina's funeral.

Robin stood on the hillside, blind to the proceedings but inundated by a multitude of memories. It was all too much.

Praying and crying and screaming and dying inside. On the outside, however, he let not a sign of his troubled emotions show. Because surrounding him, the whole of Storybrooke had turned up to pay homage to their Queen, their Mayor, and their often-time savior.

Rain had poured down the night before, as if the Heavens themselves were weeping for so great a loss, so the air was thick and dewy and foggy. But also thick with emotion. Those townspeople, who had only a few of years ago called for Regina's head on a spike, now reverently remembered her legacy of second chances and willful survival. The tone of respectful sadness, accompanied by the aesthetic beauty of the Queen's favorite black dahlias, made that hill the most beautiful place in any realm.

Robin had personally contributed the black dahlias to the hillside affair. Those flowers reminded him of his dark queen. Wicked. Soulful. Fragile. Complex. Perfect but imperfect in all her flawed beauty.

Snow had wanted to make it a "memorial" – to create a happier occasion, one more celebratory. Even Henry had agreed. With the idealism of a kid, the remnants of which still clung on like a molting skin to the emerging shadow of a battered young man, but with the more quiet determination that had come with age and hardship, Henry Mills wanted to see his mom go out a hero.

Emma was the one who had put a stop to it. Knowing Regina in a special way in which neither the son nor the former stepdaughter were privy, the Savior had shared a certain bond of misery with the Queen; they had both weathered the torrents of utterly wrecking lives. Regina lived life with boldness and in truth. She had not minced words nor had she worn those hated rose-colored glasses. Sometimes to the point of masochism, Regina had dwelt in her own pain and brought others down with her. The path to redemption did not soften the blows. Beyond the Mayor's steel walls and the Queen's omnipotent regality, Regina was just a woman. One who had felt all too much. One who had fought her battles valiantly. And to a fault, she had often chosen to face her pain and foes on her own.

Therefore, Regina would be given a funeral. No more and no less. She would be honored in a dignified but honest way.

Robin did not really care if it was a party or a depressive gathering. It all amounted to one female-shaped hole that drained and ruined his heart every single day until he would die. Regina would be nowhere. She would not be in his life, for the big events or the quiet moments, and she would not be at this "going away." So why should he really care what kind of ordeal it was?

That apathy did not mean he was numb. By no means! Robin felt in every second of his day – especially at this second – the searing absence of his soul mate. He wanted so desperately to drink away any trace of his consciousness. After all, Roland was not with him, so he could… But he would not desecrate this ceremony. He would not further dishonor or abandon Regina. All too clearly, he suffered from guilt; thoughts plagued him of Regina's last months spent all alone and waiting to die. Robin needed – for Regina _and himself_ – to wile away his days thinking of her. Remembering her. Loving her, even when she was not here to love.

Robin knew it wouldn't be easy. But blast – it was not supposed to be this difficult.

His choice to be sober caused him to foolishly look for Regina in every shadow. He frantically scanned the crowd. As a mirage spiriting through the mist on that foggy day, Regina in a blue sheath dress, long black trench coat, and razor-sharp stilettos swept across Robin's field of vision. She strutted in that cocky way of hers across the fringes of the crowd. Her mouth upturned in one of those half-smiles of hers. One eyebrow stood arched into a playful smirk.

He knew it was not real. It would never again be real.

He was losing his mind.

He expected never to be fully alive again. Or maybe he was all too alive, if he was forced to live an excruciating and bleak life missing the soulmate meant to be at his side.

Perhaps it would get easier. But this day was truly torturous. Like a knife scraping through a festering, open wound.

Then Tink stood up. Robin was hoping he could lose himself in the rousing praises of a good friend and ever cheerful pixie. But no. She began to sing:

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

 _I will always remember you. How could I ever forget you, Regina, after you stole my heart just as much as I stole yours? How am I supposed to not weep for you? After how much I have destroyed all we could have had…_

Remember the good times that we had?

I let them slip away from us when things got bad

How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun

Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

 _I could lose myself in all the wonderful moments we had, Regina. Every single perfect moment with you was a highlight of my miserable life. But your smile… Gorgeous. As every part of you was. But your smile was everything. It haunts me everywhere I go that we were. Every new place that I want to show you or will now know we can never discover together. Every day I wake up, I search out your smile. Your perfect lips to kiss. You are not there, and I need you there. So much my darling. You were and always will be my One._

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

 _My nights are sleepless, my love. No matter what I do, I cannot shake you. I see you in my dreams. When you're happy, I miss you and long for you. Other times, you are in the arms of another man; I can hardly breathe out of jealously but also wishing that you could have lived, even happy with someone else. But the final kind of dreams wreck me. Replays of my moments with you – when I caused you pain. Especially when you said you loved me in that last day and never heard it from me back. If my self-hate and screaming could bring you back to life..._

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

 _Regina, forgive me! I was such a fool! I hid behind my worthless code of honor. I was afraid to grab what I wanted. To grab what was meant for us. Our fate. I was afraid but wasn't afraid enough. I did ultimately lose you. I let you go, and I will forever be sorry. You were the eternal light in my life that is now gone, but I will always love you. Even if I am in darkness or pain, I will always be yours._

Robin's thoughts increasingly ran at heightened speed, overflowing with angst and bittersweet love.

The song finally ended.

Henry spoke. Snow spoke. Maleficent spoke.

Robin missed it all. Because the song had triggered such an emotional response, he could not bear to listen to any more.

His eyes went to the crest of hill. Over which was the Storybrooke cemetery and the Mills family mausoleum.

 _That gloriously wrong night._ Thinking back to the day when he had forsaken his honor code for his love…

Waking up in the morning to feel Regina in his arms had been the best feeling in the world. It had been just right. A feeling he had been deprived of since Emma Swan and Captain Hook had returned with Marian from the past. But this night he had made love to his soulmate. What he was meant to do forever and always. To love that one person the universe had meant for him and only him. When they had reached the very edges of passion, shattering their very limits, Regina had looked upon him with such blazing love. The depths of her emotions had swirled in her eyes like a hurricane. But the remnants of a cancerous despair and hopelessness had killed him. Robin knew that Marian's return had sucked Regina dry of hope. That night, Robin had eased her pain. Perhaps it was selfish of him, for he had known he would replace his armor of honor the next day. But he had kissed her and loved her and held her that night until she could be nothing but sure of his love – no matter the circumstances. The morning had beckoned the cold realities of their situation, but Regina had bravely smiled. After a return to bed one last time, Robin had drawn Regina into his arms and carried her out to that hill. He had laid her down on that slope and kissed her. But not like before. With a promise he meant with his full heart, he had given Regina himself fully. "With my heart. With my honor. I cannot promise you tomorrow but I can promise you always. I am married, but we are soul mates in every time and place and every life." Regina had cried, tears blemishing her adoring face. "Do not cry, my love." He then had kissed her tears away. "No, Robin." Robin drew away from Regina, searching her face. He knew what she was saying. She said, "With all I have to give," as she kissed his heart. For the next few hours, as their time had wasted away, until Marian would worry and begin looking for Robin, the two soul mates had lain in the tall grass.

"Robin."

Robin snapped out of his daze.

Maleficent towered over him. She had just finished her eulogy. It was Robin's turn.

"Do you want to say something?"

Did he? Robin rubbed his head. He was sorting through his heartache and love and depression and anger and blaming and guilt and all sorts of other rumbling, inappropriate feelings for this proper event. What could he say that would mean anything? Anything short of a miracle...

Robin shook his head. The rest of Storybrooke did not need to know his pain. If they doubted his love for the Queen, they did not know his Regina well enough to deserve their story. He only owed Regina his feelings. He would save it for her. And maybe any needed words for Henry. Another time. Another place.


	6. Tears Turn to Truth

_You're probably getting tired of Robin's misery and self-loathing. If it's been too much, then it's probably just me overdoing it because I hated the Marian-Zelena storyline so much in how it hurt Regina. I PROMISE this is the last chapter where he is soooo depressed. This second half of this chapter is the turning point for the story._

 _If you're still reading my little fic, hold on for more. It gets better - almost done - after this chapter. AND please leave a review. Like? Dislike?_

* * *

Chapter 6: Tears Turn to Truth

* * *

After the funeral, Robin was at a loss. He felt heavy, like a rusted iron bucket filled with the paltry, decaying waste of his unwanted remains. Utter isolation offered him peace, but the silence offered him a warring mind.

Everyone else in Storybrooke leaned on each other in this confusing time. They shared a certain amount of loss – if not grief – after having lost their mayor, their rock that had held the town together for decades. _What will we do without her?_ Even though some still remembered those days when they and their loved ones had been terrorized by _HER_ and her Black Guards in the Enchanted Forest, they now wanted to remember her for all the good things she had been in the recent years.

...as did Snow. The epitome of personal strength, she valiantly pressed through her personal grief in order to give the Queen her day. With Emma and (discreetly) Robin making it known to Snow their-and most likely Regina's-wishes to have a dignified, quiet funeral, Snow was forced to channel her dreams of extravagance into another outlet. Having swiftly taken care of the funeral preparations, Snow planned a second memorial. She and her band of cronies had spent the last week planning for the "after party." And a PARTY it was, fit for a queen!

A bizarre mix of 80s music and women empowerment ballads wafted through the room. Children chased each other, weaving in and out of the sea of people. Leroy entertained the stragglers with gossipy goodness centering on the mayor's indiscretions and misadventures during the Curse years. Granny stood behind the buffet line, serving up lasagna with Regina's signature kick of red pepper flakes. Ruby huddled beside her, ladling out cups of cider – spiked as the Mayor had liked it. The centerpiece of the room was the dance floor. Tinkerbell and Katherine and some other princesses swirled about, bobbing and flailing and joyfully teetering. But what stopped Robin's heart was the duo who stood at the center. _Not_ dancing.

Emma and Henry were wrapped around each other. Not slow-dancing and not hugging. They swayed gently and somberly. Robin could make out a tear that tracked down young Henry's face. Emma herself had eyes glittering with tears yet to fall. The blonde mother soothingly brushed her son's face, drying his face, and whispering unknown words of peace. Robin felt a sense of momentary calm, as this is what Regina would want. She would be happy that this tragic loss of her had not permanently hardened her son, as Robin had been worrying since his last encounter with the young man. Regina would need to know someone was holding her boy when she herself could not do it anymore, and thankfully, Emma had stepped up to the plate.

As much as he wanted those reassurances to lift his spirits, it was not enough. Robin felt so sick of himself for being sick of himself. He was twisted up in knots, trying to decide if he should be repaying his debt to Regina and Storybrooke through his volatile emotions – or if he should save his mental and emotional health and just latch onto the good things about this day. He wished that he could find comfort in the words of her loved ones, clinging to them as they would talk about her fondly and remembering the firebrand that she was. But Henry and Emma needed this time to themselves. They needed only each other – certainly not the villain he had proven himself to be.

So now, Robin stood around like a lost child – being consumed by his own personal hell and keeping to himself in the shadows. Yet he savored the moment because all he could do was think that he was grateful for Snow White.

What a gorgeous way for his love to go out! The Town Hall had been clean and transformed into what looked like a white winter wonderland. It was the most breathtaking, ethereal vision he had ever seen – outside of Regina, of course. Ornate glassy tables seemed to be floating at waist-level around the room, carrying precious platters of all of Regina's favorite foods. White trees lined the edges of the scene, mimicking the likes of Rystomere – the twin kingdom to Arendale. Gauzy, white fabric swooped down from the ceiling and hovered in the air, like a piece of the heavens had been stolen. Even the walls were caressed by some mysterious sort of material, with a fluid-like grace to steal one's breath away.

"I can't believe we pulled it together!" Snow sighed with relief and a tempered happiness.

Robin turned just his head a bit and found that the woman had sneaked up on him.

"You certainly did a good job," he mumbled.

Snow noted the archer's distance but quickly set it aside, as it seemed natural for the quasi-widower. "It was the whole town. I started on Monday, only told Ruby and David about what I was doing, and suddenly, the rest of the citizens reported for duty on Tuesday. But really, the magic," Snow gestured to the liquid-like, glassy walls, "was all Emma."

Robin subconsciously bristled at the name. Whenever he thought of the Savior, he thought of Marian. Marian returning made him think of Regina sad. And Regina sad made him think of her devastated. How she died without him. Without _anyone_. And Robin could not accept that. _What a Savior she is! It is all HER fault!_

"Robin, stop it right now."

Robin jerked his head, snapping back to reality. "What in Sherwood's name are you talking about, Snow?"

"I know what you are doing Robin. You cannot blame Emma," Snow stated matter-of-factly.

"I was not blaming her. I—"

"No. No. Don't try that noble blather with me," Snow shook her head and pinned Robin with the stillness in her eyes.

 _Who knew this flittering, motherly woman could be so intimidating? Right, she was once a bandit…_

Snow continued, softening with a hand resting comfortably on Robin's arm, "I know how this grieving game works. I should resent you for burning with a hatred for my child… But you see, it's not real. I know you don't _really_ hate Emma. Because you know she's not at fault."

Snow could see the glassy but harsh glare in Robin's eyes melting away. It fascinated her; he had looked like an angry drunk, ready to punch someone but not quite sure what direction he was going or whom he had intended to punch. But her words were starting to sink in – like a cold shower. The depth of his awareness could once again be found in his eyes; he was haunted by his demons, and those were ones he must live with and could not pass on to another.

"Robin," Snow gently called him. "Robin, you know Emma saved your wife's life. You love Marian. You _know_ Emma did the right thing. You also know you made a choice, and in turn, you broke Regina's heart."

Robin winced.

"I don't say that lightly or to be cruel."

No, Robin did not think she did. He knew, even by Regina's own confession, that Snow possessed the softest of hearts with usually the best of intentions.

"Robin, you did what you thought was right. You put back together your family. Many people would commend you for that and praise your bravery. The problem is that you were a coward because your choice only ended up hurting two soul mates that needed each other. The brave choice would have been to let your wife go, as she had been dead for decades upon decades, and to choose love, choose Regina despite the odds, and choose a bright future for yourself. I know you eventually told her you chose her after _that one night…"_

Robin looked up at Snow alarmed.

"Yes, I know about that," Snow threw Robin an amused grin. "The day after that, Regina had rushed over to the loft with her shirt amiss. Anyway, you chose her cheaply – _after_ you slept with her. And then, two minutes later, you chose your wife again and left Regina in the dust. I was so angry with you all those months when you were in New York, absent, and I had to take care of Regina. She needed _you_ , not me. Not even Henry, by that point. Oh, but she defended you constantly to me, saying that she knew you would have been there for her if you could. That you were gone out of necessity. That you were doing a valiant thing by protecting your wife in an unknown world to which she was not familiar. I just didn't buy it. And I hate that you chose your wife twice, making Regina feel she was rejected by you while she had to, first, watch you play house and then later, wonder about you when you were gone, away from her. She got the crumbs of your love only after some sex, and then you immediately revoked your soul mate bond and traipsed over the town line."

Snow huffed. Then she stopped. Then she looked shocked. She stared at Robin with abject horror written across her face.

 _You're right, Snow White. As much as it hurts to hear… I did do all those things,_ Robin thought. "Snow, do not feel bad. You just told me the truth."

"Robin, those were _my_ opinions. But they were also the truth. I do not want to pain you more when I know the loss of her is already enough. She would not have told you any of that, nor would she have even thought some of those things. She believed your choice of her – even if temporary and momentary – was genuine and not just about the sex."

"Snow, it was most definitely real and true. My choosing her was not temporary or momentary. Fate put our souls together, and I met the most wonderful, strong, and beautiful woman. I never stopped choosing her. It's just that I felt I had no choice. I admit, once I had been in the land of New York for a bit, I had started forgetting. I tried so hard to forget Storybrooke and the Missing Year in order to provide for my family and be the husband Marian deserves and the father Roland deserves. But I never forgot Regina. I never could."

Snow offered him a weak smile. Robin's impassioned speech did something to her heart. "At least there is that. Thank you for telling me, Robin. It makes me feel much better to know Regina's love for you – your soul mate connection – was worth fighting for. That she did not die in vane."

"WHAT do you mean? _DIE IN VANE_?! You make it sound as if she died for me! I know I caused her heartache and that I hurt her so very grievously, but it was ultimately the tumor! What do you know that you're not telling me?!"

Like a light switch flipping on and off and on again, Robin lost his self-loathing and went back to donning his armor of anger.

"Talk to Rumpelstiltskin, Robin."

Snow turned and started to walk away.

 _No! Regina is gone. I need answers! If I cannot have her, then I will bloody well figure it all out! Know everything I can about her. Stay close with all of her loved ones. Snow WILL tell me this secret._

"Wait! You must tell me!" Robin had grabbed Snow's arm, exclaiming with such urgency.

Carefully extracting her arm, Snow calmly replied, "I do not owe you anything. Nor does Henry. Nor does Regina. But you do need to know – just not now, when everyone is celebrating her life. Talk to Rumpelstiltskin. He has the answers you are looking for."

 _I must speak with that imp! What has he been hiding from me now? I will get it out of him. I must._

"Oh, and Robin…" Snow called, just before Robin left the Town Hall.

Robin looked back expectantly.

"Regina loved you with all her heart. And she was the most forgiving person I know. I ruined her life… I take responsibility for that now. I know my father and her mother played parts, but I know the secret I should have kept but didn't cost her the one light in her life back then. She lived so much of her so damaged and broken and angry. But she was able to forgive me. I like to think we were on the path to one of the greatest friendships of all times. Anyway, I still don't know if I can stand you for what you did to her – because I loved Regina – but I will try to like you because she loved you. So talk to me whenever you need to."

* * *

"Open up! I know you're in there!"

Robin was willing to bang on that hard-as-nails glass door until his fist bled – if that is what it would have taken. Fortunately, the door swung open a second later.

"Trying to steal from the Dark One again, huh, dearie?"

"Let me in. You have answers that I need."

Robin's tone was so forceful, so unlike his usually gentle demeanor. Rumpelstiltskin could tell that Robin meant business, so he quickly stepped back before Robin busted his door in.

"Whatever is the good outlaw here to see me about? And on the day of the funeral for his soul mate? You know even I do not have the power to resurrect the dead. Even magic has its limits."

"I need nothing magical from you, Dark One." _Thank goodness!_ Robin was loath to ask the Dark One for any kind of help, especially of the magical variety. Even Regina's magic had, at times, worried him and put him on edge. "I just need to acquire some information. I would prefer not to make a deal with you, but if that is what it requires, I am willing to pay."

 _Make a deal? With the Dark One? The good archer must be coming unhinged!_ The human side of Rumpelstiltskin felt unsettled. The magical monster that he was, however, shook with gleeful mischief at Robin Hood's misfortune.

"What is it that you need to know?"

"I was speaking with Snow, and she insinuated that Regina died for some _reason_ – outside of the obvious physical afflictions. What do you know of this?"

"Never could keep her mouth shut…" The imp mumbled, biding his time.

Rumpelstiltskin may have been driven by the Darkness and played tormentor to the Evil Queen, but he also shared that Darkness and torment with Regina. They had long battled the same internal foes on a daily basis, so he felt some sort of loyalty and kinship to Regina. Now that she was gone, and the outlaw was asking some vital questions, Rumpelstiltskin had some big choices to make.

"I don't have time for your sodding games, Dark One. Tell me the truth!" Robin yelled, becoming rather irritably impatient and choosing to step further into Rumpelstiltskin's personal space.

"I will remind you, dearie," Rumple sidestepped the archer and his fury, "that you are in _my_ shop asking _me_ questions. That means you must take a step back and cease threatening me – if you want your answers, that is."

"I apologize." Robin rubbed his head, trying to let the tension unfurl and be released. He had to play nice with the Dark One so he could hopefully gain some peace of mind.

"Now, you asked about little Snow White and Regina's reason for dying?"

Rumpelstiltskin just stood there. Clearly, it was not a rhetorical question after all.

Finally, Robin complied with the game, saying, "Yes."

"Good. Now where was Regina having problems?"

"You should know, Dark One! You were the one who told me!" Robin's arms flailed in the air as his intolerance once again peeked through.

"Temper, temper, dearie. _Where?_ "

"Her heart."

"Correct. What does that tell you?"

Robin was puzzled and at the end of his rope with the Dark One. He did not come here to be questioned. They were getting nowhere! But he had to play along… "I do not know, Dark One. What are her heart problems supposed to be telling me? I know nothing of this land's understanding of the body, nor do I understand why you're asking me this! I asked you to tell me if you knew about Regina's death, pertaining to anything _NOT_ obviously physical."

"Watch yourself, Robin Hood. I am doing _you_ a favor. If you continue questioning my methods and wielding your anger about this shop, I will be forced to ask you to leave. Usually I like a good spar, but my wife is in the back, and I would like to go home."

Robin had been chastised and finally understood that if he did not _shut up_ , then he would be left with no answers. "Fine. I will comply with your little riddles."

"Oh, but they're not riddles! Everything will make perfect sense shortly. But I will help you with the last question. _What does the fact that Regina supposedly died from heart problems tell us?_ It tells us she died from _HEART PROBLEMS._ Literally."

Rumpelstiltskin gave the other man a moment to grasp what he just said. He could slowly see as Robin's face went from pondering to understanding to shock to bewilderment.

Slowly, Robin responded, with all the heaviness in his heart, "You are saying that Regina died of a broken heart? Because her heart ached? Did she die because of me?"

Rumple gazed upon a broken man. He would not draw this out any longer.

"Not a broken heart, dearie. Regina's exact condition involved an abnormal growth on the heart – a tumor. Heart conditions speak to exactly what intangibly ails the person's heart. If her soul mate connection or true love bond had been violently shredded, then her heart would have been broken into two pieces. If she had gone through a trauma, such as a loved one's death or a prolonged removal of her heart, her heart would have become lackluster in appearance. This tumor is a product of the pain that grew and overtook her love – presumably the love she shared with her soul mate. You."

 _Did Regina really die BECAUSE OF ME?!_ "Please, Dark One. I do not understand! You are telling me that because I caused her so much pain, that this tumor grew on her heart and killed her?!"

"I am sorry to say, yes."

"I killed her? _I. KILLED. HER?!_ You must tell me… what could I have done differently? How do you know all this? Are you sure? Did Regina tell you anything? I must know it all!"

Robin raved like a mad man, overtaken by his shame. Although everything he had felt in the last week had been awful, it had been nothing compared to this. He _really_ had killed her, his love, senselessly.

"I don't know that any of those answers would be helpful, dearie. I know this is hard to bear, but we all do what we must." This could not go on. Robin would always be fixated with this horrible thing that he had been done. So it was best that he, the Dark One who knew all about regrets, nip this in the bud.

"You're wrong, Rumple."

Both men whirled around to see Belle emerging from the backroom.

"Belle, what are you doing?"

"Rumple…" Belle shook her head, as she released a dismayed sigh. _When would this man ever learn that though he was the Dark One, he should not lord things over people?!_ "Robin needs you to tell him all that you can. You may not think he needs to know, but he does. Even if it causes more pain, don't you think that is better than the unbearable pain of _not knowing_? Maybe if you tell him, Robin will be able to move on from all this and be happy again. Some day, maybe."

"All right, Belle." In a rare display of semi-public affection, the Dark One brushed his librarian's face in a gentle caress, offering her a slight smile. Turning back to the miserable outlaw, decked out once again in a pall of dark grimness, Rumpelstiltskin began to reveal his truths.

"To be blunt, a tumor started growing on her heart the day that you rejected her. The day that you turned your heart from her. As evidenced by the fact that her heart did not break in half, the tumor shows that neither her love for you nor your love for her truly went away. I would hazard a guess that your attempt to forget Regina and begin loving Marian again fully triggered the tumor's growth – sort of like a mask on her heart's ability to function biologically just as you attempted to mask your love for her."

 _I really did do this to her…_ "Tell me, Dark One! Could this have been stopped?! Could she have lived even after the tumor had begun growing?" _Please tell me no!_ Robin did not think he could handle the situation if he had not only failed his love by causing her tumor in the first place but also by not stopping its murderous rampage on her heart for the number of weeks she slowly died.

" _I_ could not have stopped this. Just as True Love's kiss is the only thing that can break some curses, only _you_ could have obliterated her tumor. It's hard to know what exactly would have healed Regina; I have never in my centuries as the Dark One encountered such a tragic case as this. Perhaps if you had come back to Storybrooke… If you had spoken to Regina of your renewed love for her… Maybe it would have all been reversed if you had only said I love you to her once again."

Rumpelstiltskin, against his usual nature, almost hurt for the thief. His human nature momentarily spoke to him, as he envisioned what it would be like if he were in this situation with his Belle.

" _You mean I could have save her if only for one second sooner…"_

Robin's whisper shook any remaining peace that existed in the room. The human ear would have missed the enunciation of such a statement in its low volume, but Rumpelstiltskin and Belle heard the mournful statement of the beaten down man loud and clear. His emotions did not even need to be spoken. The words sounded like the roar of a wounded beast, but the visceral pain of the man rolled off him in waves. As much as courage and honor had been nearly visible pieces of his identity for most of his life, his deep-seated loss and bitterly empty love for a woman senselessly dead cloaked him in a black aura.

Robin fought the overwhelming revelations. He clawed at his brain, trying to piece together memories and truly decipher what the Dark One's words meant. One image fought to the forefront…

.:.

.:.

 ** _[New York City, several months ago]_**

 _He had done it. He had just slept with Marian._ My wife, _he reminded himself._

 _For weeks, Robin had agonized over renewing their intimacy. It was only right. He should be able to make love to his wife. That's what married people did._

But those are the married people that are in love, _a traitorous voice would whisper._

But you are in love with your wife, _Robin had answered back. All lies._

 _This moment, Robin was awake. Naked and lying in sweaty sheets. Listening to the soft purring noises Marian made in her sleep. Staring at the ceiling. Laying on his back on the side of the bed, as far away from his wife as possible. Trying to keep calm and feel okay with what he had just done. Trying to understand why he had spent the last hour making love to Marian, reconnecting for the first time since her return to the land of the living, but he had also spent the whole time tamping down feelings of love._

 _Robin remembered how his heart had pounded that hour. The thumping had surpassed the normal rhythm of that biological function, requiring him to pay it some attention. It was distracting – just as much as his intangible emotions. The ones that swelled in his chest and threatened to hurt him._

 _Robin had kissed and touched and moved in sync Marian but he did so with some forgery of love. His actions were an effort to show Marian what he had not been able to for months. He truly was grateful she lived. He was grateful she could see Roland grow up. Despite his verbal affections, Marian could feel his distance. So earlier that night, he had decided to try to become husband to her wife again – in every sense._

 _Except it was a lie. His heart pounded as a reminder. His emotions were a betrayal, a reminder. Even the dark hair that shimmered in the dark was a reminder. But it belonged to the WRONG woman. Regina was nowhere to be found, and his soul called for her. His wife had come back to claim her family, but her husband was nothing without his soul mate._

 _So he talked to himself:_ It does not matter. My family is back together, and I must be strong. Do the right thing. Hold us together. Even if I could do the happy thing, the selfish thing, I really cannot. I am stuck here in New York.

 _Despite his words and his decision, he knew the truth._ I love you, Regina. You would say that I am being so stubborn. You'd be right. But I hope that you can understand my decision. Even if you cannot, I hope you feel my love all the way in Storybrooke. I hope you are okay. I wish to see you again some day.

 _He lay in silence, but his heart was not silenced._ I must move on now. It's not fair to Marian if I cannot love her. I have to try. I love you best though, my love. Be it right or wrong, you are first in my heart.

Goodbye, Regina. I must stop loving you. Fate forced us into each other's lives, but now I must live my life. You must live yours. I release you to be happy.

 _His heart stopped ringing in its internal loudness. He could not feel a thing. A sudden pain grinded in his chest, just as it had when he and Marian had been making love. Then it subsided just as quickly as it had started._

 _With that, he was at peace – as much as he could be. He felt so hollow and devoid of something. What was it he was missing? Maybe he'd never be fully be happy again. Not in the way that Regina and Henry had made him. The second chance was gone, however, and he had to make do. Tomorrow would be a new chance to play with Roland and get to know Marian again and see the wonders of the foreign land._

.:.

.:.

Although that memory was one of the worst of his life, Robin was sorry to feel it leave his immediate consciousness. Both this time he had enacted death in his soul mate and the time he had said those three words a moment too late, letting Regina die in her sad, little hospital bed… They had been hopeful moments. Those were moments he had done the wrong thing. They were also the moments he had felt the right thing. Moments when Regina had still been alive, and he had loved her in silence but with everything he had.

 _But Regina did not know that, did she? Did she really know you loved her? She did not deserve to have lived out her life GUESSING!_

His mind twisted and turned at the mere thought of her dairy entries. _Regina. Lying in her bed. Chest pains. Panicking… TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH._

Wisely, Robin decided to escape. He wanted to be alone – for the foreseeable future.

"Thank you," he choked out. "Dark One. Belle."

He barely heard Belle's placating, sweet platitudes.

Running out the door, he gasped, forcing his weight onto the side of the building as he gasped for air.

Heavens! The revulsion at his own actions boiled to a frenzy within the depths of himself. Robin became sick, releasing his ill feelings onto the sidewalk, only for those feelings to reemerge with full force. _Can I ever wake up another day in my life not feel so sick and unclean? How can I ever forgive myself? How will I ever be worthy to be a father? I ruin lives!_

The door of the pawnshop opened loudly with the clang of its bell.

"Just one more thing, dearie…"

* * *

This was it. The moment of truth was here.

Robin took one last calming breath before he stuck his key in the lock, pushed opened the door, and entered the New York apartment. Marian was waiting for him.

"Robin!"

She surged forward and embraced him, encircling her arms around his neck and pressing herself against him. Pulling his head down with great enthusiasm, she proceeded to kiss him vigorously.

Seconds later, Robin backed away for air, as did Marian. Keeping her arms looped over his shoulders and her fingers combing through his hair, she peered up at her husband with an inviting, playful smile.

"I've missed you terribly, husband. Welcome, home!"

"My trip was definitely a sad one but very enlightening. As much as I love Storybrooke, it was time I came home and settled some things."

Marian grinned, very pleased with Robin's statements. _Maybe now he is finally done with Regina, once and for all. It's about time he focused on his real love!_

"As I said, it hasn't been the same without you here. It didn't feel right going to bed without you." An award-winning pout quickly morphed into a seductive stare. "Did you miss me, Robin? Hmm?" Marian trailed her finger teasingly from Robin's collar and down his chest.

"Marian." Robin halted her hand's progress. "I needed to come home, but it certainly was not for you."

"What a terrible thing to say! I'm your wife!" Marian's face became bright red and seething, taking on an expression wholly unknown to Robin.

"Of course, I miss my wife…"

"See!" Marian cut in. "You just had a momentary lapse. Take me to bed, Robin, and this whole unhappy moment, your unpleasant little trip to Starrybank, and all that mix-up with that evil tart can be forgotten."

"No. I will not forget Regina, and you will not call her 'evil.' You will not speak of her AT ALL! As for you, it's time we laid our cards on the table. I _said_ I miss my wife. I loved my Marian, whom I fell in love with at a young age in Sherwood Forest and with whom I had the brightest spot of my life Roland. I still love her memory and all she stood for. I-"

"I am still here, Robin!" She declared, jabbing him in the sternum.

Robin barreled onward. "But even she, that perfect young maiden whom I loved deeply, is a part of my past. I have grieved her and mourned her and let her go. _YOU,_ however,are not her – are you, Zelena?!"

"Took you long enough…" Zelena let loose a string of chilling cackles, as she slowly transformed into her native skin. "Meet the real me, darling."

Robin drank in the sight of the monster with whom he had been sleeping. What should have been the physical beauty of a goddess – long, sleek lines, ample curves, and fiery red hair – made him disgusted from the inside out. Feeling as though arsenic was slowly sliding down his throat, he gulped and girded himself for war.

"You're right. It took me much too long to figure out the truth about the vile person that you really are. Do you even care that your very own sister _DIED_ from all of your petty, hateful efforts at revenge?!" Robin screamed of a devastation that reverberated outward from his tired soul and through the airwaves of the apartment.

Gold had fully informed Robin about Zelena the night before in his shop. Added to the information he had already gleaned about the Wicked Witch from encounters in the Enchanted Forest during the Missing Year, Robin _should_ have been prepared. But in that moment, he was _not_ prepared – not by a long shot.

"You act as if 'sister' is some kind of badge of honor that means something! Pfft! You naïve little woodsmen – how charming…" she drawled lazily. "Regina and I… We were sisters, once upon a time. She stole my life from me! The selfish little vermin took it all for herself – Mother, Rumple, a decent home, every coat, every frock, every banquet in her honor… It all belonged to _ME_! IT ALL SHOULD HAVE BEEN _MINE!"_

Zelena exploded with fury, picking up a dull dinner knife from the table that had already been set and stabbing it into the table. The wood splintered with a deafening _CRACK_!

"Regina stole nothing from you. She had nothing to do with you being sent away. That was all Cora. Cora is the monster who abandoned you! What does that say about her? If she was willing to send away one daughter, what did she do to the one that remained? Regina lived her own personal nightmare with Cora, day after day having to face her wrath and abuse and torment. Your mother physically, verbally, and mentally brutalized Regina for years! Then Cora killed Regina's love Daniel. She forced her own daughter to marry a lecherous king old enough to be Regina's grandfather. She shoved Regina into that marriage bed for endless nights of Leopold forcing himself on Regina – when Regina was only 16 years old! We could keep going on about what Regina was forced to endure – versus the paltry neglect you endured in comparison – but somehow I do not believe you deserve to know one thing more. Regina would have welcomed you with open arms, but after the way you attacked her over and over and tried to ruin all of the people she loves, you do not deserve _her._ "

It was a battle of the wills. Robin's eyes hardened until they were sharp and cold. Never blinking, his eyes followed hers. He would not relent until he knew she understood or until he killed her. He could care less if she died or if he never saw her again, but she had to be made to understand exactly _what_ she did to them. To him and Regina. Although Robin and his lethal choices had ultimately killed Regina, she could have been spared had it not been for Zelena's treachery.

"Bravo, _Thief_! Bravo!" Zelena smirked, knowing that the use of Regina's title for him burned.

With lightning speed, Robin grabbed the redheaded witch by the throat, dragged her across the room, and pinned her to the wall.

"Let's get this straight. I am a thief, and that means I know how to not play nice. You have crossed one too many lines. How dare you use something special between Regina and me as a joke! A manipulative tool! You will not speak of her! You will not breathe her name! OR I WILL END YOU."

Robin gripped her throat with a sudden tightened restriction of her airflow, which required all of his might. No, although he was tempted, he would not breach the boundary that separated him from evil and the inescapable Dark path. He let go.

"My, my. Wasn't that brave? Then again, we know you are too much of a coward to really punish me. Don't we? You weren't man enough to choose Regina, even though you bedded me day after day for months. Maybe you didn't really love her after all. Soul mate connections… So fickle! You weren't man enough to save her from death either. In the end, your flawless honor code would never allow you to kill me – even though you killed Regina. I guess I'm just the better sister, huh? What a pathetic excuse for a man…and a soul mate!"

 _Don't go there, Robin!_ The hurting outlaw forcibly pushed back his intoxicating weakness – his internally debilitating self-loathing – and let his anger burn from red to white and blue. He was no longer volcanic. He was feeling silent and deadly, controlled and ready to dispense with the poor excuse for a human being.

"Leave, Zelena. There is clearly no chance you will change. I can see you don't want to. Regina is gone, and there is nothing else you could possibly want from me. Go, and never visit me or Storybrooke again." Robin's commanding voice rang out with finality.

"One thing you are correct in saying is that I have won against your dear, sweet, perfect queen." The redhead's simpering delivery taunted Robin. He couldn't decide if it pained him, as Regina was not here to defend herself, or if he was just plain angry. Zelena continued, "The oh-so Evil Queen is _DEAD_ and never coming back, while I am eternal in my power. You are wrong, however, in thinking you have any authority over me. I will do and say what I please. I will leave now, and you will see me again. But just as a souvenir for the road, and a little reminder…"

 _I am going to die,_ he thought.

"Payback is here. And her name is Witch," she sneered. "That's me."

Robin barely saw Zelena's lightning fast movement, as she whipped her arm through the air – a jarring motion meant to strike the fear of Dark Magic into the hapless archer.

He felt as if his life force was utterly being knocked out of him. An asphyxiating force, more intence than the chokehold he had moments ago performed on Zelena, grabbed a hold of Robin's breathing from within. Like a vacuum, it sucked from within so as to deprive him of air. Without the ability to access his lung reserves and his breath, Robin was rendered speechless.

"Ta-ta!" With a wave of her fingers, her long red locks flew. Zelena had left the building.

 _And hopefully, she has exited all of our lives. For good._


End file.
